Harry Potter vs Lord of the Rings
by Shadow Phantom
Summary: Watch as two fantasy giants have an all out war! ...And parties. Ch. 14: When a mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER runs into Lothlorien, it's chased by two most adorable and under appreciated characters who save the day. Fight oppression and review today!
1. Journey to Middle Earth

Disclaimer: I am a poor starving artist, I own none of this. I may dream about it, but I don't. 

Rated PG for: Very odd humor.

AN: This idea came up in class one day while we were working on essays. (My friends are just as weird as me) But…I decided since I could type this for the pure enjoyment AND for a grade, then that was a pretty good idea. (Hence, the 'no swearing' policy.) It's strange, and it will most likely scare you into a coma, but I thought it was an interesting question. Who would win in an ultimate match…? ^_^

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Harry Potter VS Lord of the Rings, the ULTIMATE Match

(With a funny little twist from 'The Subtle Knife')

Tickets available now! Or something…

_Match Announcer #1: It has been debated for years…_

Announcer #2: Since 1997, when the Harry Potter books came out to be exact…

Announcer #1: People over the world have argued over which fantasy series is better, Harry Potter or…

Announcer #2: Lord of the Rings. 

Announcer #3: Today we have set up-

Announcer: #1: AHEM. My turn. Today we have set up a number of matches for your viewing pleasure to decide once and for all, which series is truly better. Harry Potter or…

Announcer #2: My lines are so short, that's not fair.

Announcer #1: *smiling* Lord of the Rings! 

Harry Potter awoke in the middle of the night from dreams of Quidditch, (That's usually the only thing he ever dreams about) and yawned. His stomach rumbled, and he climbed out of be, donning the Invisibility Cloak, and slipping downstairs to the kitchens. As he entered, Dobby ran up, saying hello's.

"It is most fortunate that you is here Mr. Potter sir!" He squeaked, leading Harry to the center of the kitchen, where most of the house elves were already gathered.

"It's like a hole in the air Mr. Potter!" One informed him as Harry neared what appeared to be a gash in the air.

"Well, we had better go see what's on the other side." Harry decided, (You would think that he would have learned his lesson by now) stepping through the hole (after securely fastening the Invisibility Cloak) with Dobby trotting behind. 

As he stepped into the world, Harry looked around at the mountains off in the distance and the trees surrounding him. Seeing nobody around he pulled off the Invisibility Cloak.

"What? You have the Ring?"

Harry whirled around looking for the source of the voice. Standing in front of him was a short person not wearing any shoes, which showed of his unusually large and hairy feet.

"Ring? What Ring?"

But the short person was not listening, and instead pulled a chain out of his shirt with a ring attached. "How did you turn invisible?"

"I have an Invisibility Cloak," Harry told him, holding up the cloak for him to see. 

"Do you work for Sauron?"

Harry was completely bewildered. "Sauron? Who's that?"

Harry found himself being stared at for a minute, before the short person breathed a sigh of relief. "I don't think you're acting."

Harry was getting nervous. "Who are you?"

"Mr. Underhill."

"I'm Harry Potter."

"What a strange name."

"I don't mean to be rude, but, what are you, and where am I?" Harry asked, looking around.

"I am a halfling, or as we like to ourselves, hobbits, and you are in Middle Earth or, to be exact, Lorien, for your information."

"Oh." Harry sighed inwardly. _That was helpful._ He thought sarcastically.

"What? Ahh! Gollum and his cousins are trying to attack me!" The hobbit yelled, jumping behind a nearby rock.

"Relax, they're just house elves. Who's Gollum?" 

"Those are elves?" Mr. Underhill peeked over the rock.

"Yeah, haven't you heard of those?"

Mr. Underhill laughed. "Well, DUH, we _are_ in Lorien, an elf haven. Of course I've heard of elves! Just not ones that look that funny."

"We is not as funny looking as your elves is sir!" Dobby squeaked indignantly.

__

Match #1: House Elves vs. The Elves

Match Announcer #1: In corner number one, we have the house elves from Harry Potter's world! At a height of about three feet or so, and probably not weighing more then fifty pounds. The Challengers!

And, in corner number two, we have the elves of Middle Earth! At varying heights, but around six feet, and not usually not weighing too much more then a hundred pounds, dang they're skinny, The Champions! 

No hitting below the belt, let's keep this match clean! Alright? Let the match, BEGIN!

In the blink of an eye, an enormous amount of elves stepped out of the trees, their bows fitted with arrows.

"Those is elves?" Dobby gaped, wide eyed. (Isn't he always wide eyed?)

"Those are elves? They certainly don't appear to be elves." One spoke up, carefully aiming his arrow at Dobby, the perpetrator.

"We is!" Dobby insisted.

"What can you do? Where do you live?" A different elf asked, her arrow aimed at the crowd, in case another house elf dared insult them.

"We can protect our masters!" One piped up.

"We lives with our masters." Another said.

"Who is your master?" The first elf asked.

"Professor Dumbledore!" A rather bold house elf spoke up.

"And this is the Dumbledore you speak of?" Another elf from the crowd motioned to Harry.

"No, that is Mr. Harry Potter, you cannot harm Mr. Potter sir either." Dobby shook his head, his long ears flapping.

"Really?" Once again the first elf to speak, was speaking (Yeah, I know, WDF? (What da foo?) and changed his aim, before he could be stopped, he let go of the arrow. Dobby gasped and a small explosion of sparks took place. When the smoke cleared, Legolas was holding a charred arrow, which was inches from Harry's face.

"Olidin you had no right to do that." He said quietly and seriously.

"I was just curious of their powers, as they claim to be elves." Olidin shrugged, fitting another arrow in his bow. Dobby was bristling.

"That will not be necessary. Put down your bows." Galadriel ordered from the back of the crowd.

All elves, even if reluctantly, lowered their bows and bowed their heads, as Galadriel walked through the ranks of elves.

"Legolas," she pointed and he obediently walked back among the other elves. "I am curious of these strange visitors to my home, who are even more curious then the Hobbits." She said.

"There was a cut in the air that you could walk through and-"

"Silence Harry Potter."

Harry clamped his mouth shut. How did she know his name?

"Explanations can be saved for the future. Come and rest."

The house elves, with the exception of Dobby squeaked in protest. "We will not sit on while work is done for us!"

Galadriel waved her hand. "Nonsense. You will rest, and wait until morning to take your journey back."

Harry would have said something, but he was still too shocked by the fact that the Elf Queen knew his name.

"Come along." She ushered the house elves towards the city, who were still murmuring protests, and turned to Harry. "Mr. Potter, come on, you must be weary after your travels."

Harry shook his head. How could he have been so stupid? Everybody in his world knew his name after all! It shouldn't have shocked him at all!

"I'm sorry, but you see-"

"When I say silence Harry Potter, I mean it. You should very well listen to me, I am an Elf Queen with a thousand archers who would shoot an arrow through your throat if you displeased me! And who are you? Just a stupid little boy who managed not to die when getting attacked by some 'wizard'." She laughed and continued, "Why, I have met trees more powerful then he! What about Sauron? If he wanted you dead, you would have been! Voldemort destroyed families, and Sauron nearly destroyed Middle Earth! Think about that! I managed to live through this! Could you? I don't think so! Bring it!"

Harry stood there, absolutely stunned. It didn't help, that during her speech, her voice had gotten a weird evil tone to it, and a freakish white-green light was shining behind her. "Uh…"

She shook her head. "Please excuse me. I've had too much Pepsi." 

At that moment three things happened simultaneously. 

"Oh hello Gandalf! I was hoping you would show up old boy!"

"There's Pepsi in this place as well? Wicked!" Ron's voice sounded nearby as he and Hermione crawled through the gap in the air.

"Harry don't go to other worlds without the proper protection, have you no common sense?" Hermione scolded.

Because the three voices had all run together (since they were at the same time) Harry didn't catch a word of anything and shook his head.

"Uh…" He said again.

"You're probably wondering how we got through the hole." Ron grinned. "Well, it was quite simple really-"

"Ronald Weasly."

Ron tumbled over turning white as a sheet. Hermione helped him to his feet.

"Who are you?"

"There will be time for the that later, Hermione Granger." Galadriel's infinite patience was wearing thin.

"Let's go."

"Shouldn't we put up caution tape or something so we can find our way back?" Ron asked, having regained his composure.

"My archers will not forget."

"Yes ma'am of course not."

"Go then, that way."

The six of them walked towards the city, a good number of the archers disappearing again I into the trees. Mr. Underhill, Gandalf, and Galadriel had a conversation while Harry, Ron, and Hermione talked in hushed whispers.

"What's going on here?" Hermione asked, keeping her voice low.

"Like I should know." Harry hissed back. "I just walked through the stupid hole."

"I think it's wicked! This is awesome!" 

"Ron, honestly, you need to be more serious."

"Why? I don't see why we should-" Ron was cut off as the city came into view.

"It's gorgeous." Hermione breathed.

"It's an enormous tree house Hermione." Ron rolled his eyes. 

"Hey Ron! You came through the hole too?" 

"Brilliant!" Fred exclaimed, appearing out of the nearest tree house behind his twin.

"Let's have a party!" Said George.

"SILENCE! For the last time! Honestly, you people talk too much!"

"That's what makes us so fun," said Fred.

"Party with the elves!" Yelled George.

"WOOHOO!!" Cheered the elves, "Alright!"

(Galadriel gives up about now)

"We already have most of our stuff set up. The house elves made it awesome!"

"My guests are doing work?" Galadriel sighed, waving her hand. A few of the surrounding elves ran up to her. "Go finish setting up the room, and let our guests rest." She ordered. The archers eagerly ran to go set up the party, whispering excitedly.

Fred and George laughed, giving each other a high five. It was only a matter of seconds before the house elves ran screaming out of the house.

"We must do work!!" They insisted, running around in circles and trying to find the hole.

"Stop! If you wander I must have you killed!" Galadriel called to them, trying to calm things down.

But they paid no heed and had soon disappeared over the hill, still screaming.

"I'm sorry about this." Waving her hand, a half of the archers melted into the shadows of the trees to chase the frantic house elves.

"You can't do that!" Hermione yelled at her. "They're innocent!"

"It is the elven rule Hermione Granger." Galadriel said calmly, "It must be done."

"Come on Hermione, I thought you didn't want the elves to work."

"Well I don't want them to DIE Ron." Hermione sighed.

"Do not fret. Go, make yourselves comfortable." Galadriel motioned to the tree house. "We will discuss things later."

"Alright! Par-tay!" Fred yelled, opening the door and acting like an usher, George stood in front like a bouncer.

"ID please," he said, holding out his hand. The elves looked confused and exchanged glances.

"Please sir, let these fine gentlemen, and gentlewomen enter." Fred put on his snobby voice.

"Not without ID," George growled. 

The two glared at each other for about a minute before bursting out laughing.

Ron sighed. "They are such idiots." He muttered, pushing past the two, who were bending over and gasping for breath, Harry and Hermione following.

"Go on in," Fred gasped, stepping backwards and leaning against the house.

A few of the elves smiled slightly and walked in. The others continued to look puzzedly at the entrance.

"We won't bite. Honest." George wheezed, going in himself.

All of the elves stampeded into the tree house once the music started, one of the elves at the DJ stand.

~~~~~~~~

If you like, tbc…. (comments, suggestions, death threats?)


	2. Parties and Pepsi

Disclaimer: I really don't own LotR. *Inconsolable wailing*

Rated PG for: The same things as before. Situations that'll scare the pants off of you and bad humor.

AN: Ahh! Thanks for the feedback! Since I forgot last time, I have to say THANK YOU TO MY EDITOR! You are wonderful person, who made this story possible. She gives input, and makes sure I don't misspell things or leave out words, it's very cool (she also came up with the idea…*grits teeth* I HATE saying that). But KK, I can't give you 200 pictures of Sexy Elf, you are mistaking me for a person who has a printer that functions correctly. GIVE ME BACK MY BOOKMARK! *ahem* Enjoy.

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Part Two

Hours later Pepsi drunken elves lay passed out on couches and chairs. Fred and George were the life of the party, still shooting off fireworks, (which just happened to be Gandalf's) while Harry, Ron, and Hermione sat watching.

Dobby burst in, followed by Sam and Galadriel. "What is going on!?" She roared.

All of the elves (at least the conscious ones) immediately froze, and the DJ cut the music. Fred and George stopped laughing long enough to hear the silence and looked up.

"Oh, hello!" Fred said brightly, "Smashing party, isn't it?"

"Would you care to join us?" George asked.

Galadriel pursed her lips and shook her head. "What are you doing?" She repeated, more slowly and dangerously.

"We're having a party." Fred stated, as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

"You did give us permission." George pointed out.

"I did NOT give you permission to wake up the entire kingdom at one in the morning!" Galadriel screeched. "Everybody, leave, now!" 

The elves obediently left the room, or dragged out by their friends. As Fred and George tried to sneak out, Galadriel grabbed their collars. "You two stay." 

"Mr. Frodo?" Sam called, looking around the room for the hobbit.

"Sam, how many times do I have to tell you, my name is NOT Frodo!" Mr. Underhill hissed.

"I'm sorry Mr. Frodo, it's just that I was looking all over for you and-"

"Sam."

"Oh! Sorry Frodo. I just-oops."

Frodo sighed in exasperation. 

"The cat's out of the bag now, huh?" 

"The secret's been spilt."

"The rumor has spread!"

"The-"

"For the last time, SHUT UP!" Galadriel yelled, managing to silence the twins. She turned on everybody else. "Pull up a chair, and keep your mouths shut."

Everybody obeyed quickly and looked at the Elf Queen without saying a word.

"First of all, calm down the party next time."

"Sorry old mum!" Fred piped up.

"Mmm-hmm. Secondly, where do you come from? I know another world, but where exactly?"

"Well you see old mum-"

"Third, don't call me old mum." Galadriel cut in.

"Yes ma'am, your Elvishness." George bowed.

"If I could speak, please," Hermione raised her hand.

"Of course."

"We come from a world, that's…well a bit a similar to this one. We have trolls, dragons, as well as elves. I'm not sure if you have the first two though."

Galadriel nodded.

"And then we have the wizarding world, and the human world. I'm a witch, and the boys," she motioned towards Harry, Ron, Fred, and George, "they are wizards."

"So mere children can be wizards?" Galadriel asked.

Dobby squeaked. "Don't be insulting Harry Potter!"

"Calm down Dobby." Harry muttered.

"We certainly don't have hobbits, or orcs, we do have giants though, werewolves, and unicorns." Hermione continued explaining for a good half-hour, and Ron had soon fallen asleep along with Fred and George.

"Yes, of course. Thank you."

"I'm interested about those house elves." Sam spoke up. "Are they really that…meek?"

"Not all house elves is!" Dobby spoke up.

"Really? What can you do?"

__

Match #2: Dobby vs. Sam

Announcer #2: Hello, and welcome to our second match! In corner number one, we have Dobby, who is a house elf from the world of Harry Potter. He's short and doesn't weigh much. (He also has huge eyes and a big nose) 

And in corner number two; we have Sam, a hobbit from Middle Earth. He is also short, but he weighs more. I don't think either one is a champion (considering how they usually only end up beating up themselves) so this will determine all! Be clean, and let the match BEGIN!

"More then you." Dobby sniffed.

"If you're thinking about hurting Mr. Frodo, I'm not going to let you."

"You is thinking about harming Mr. Harry Potter sir?" Dobby asked.

Sam shook his head. "No! Are you thinking about harming Frodo?"

"No! I is never accused of such…such rubbish!" Dobby exclaimed, shaking his head so hard it looked painful. "You is not harming Mr. Harry Potter!"

"I don't want to!" Sam insisted. "But I won't let you harm Frodo!"

"You cannot harm Harry Potter!"

"Well, you can't hurt Frodo!"

Within seconds Sam and Dobby were in a heated battle, yelling at each other.

"Either they're deaf, or they need a good ear cleaning." Fred laughed.

"Seriously. Neither one of you is planning to hurt somebody else!" George called to break up the fight.

"You what?" Dobby and Sam said simultaneously, turning on George. 

"You is going to hurt Harry Potter?" Dobby asked.

"You want to harm Frodo?" 

"No, you got me all wrong!" George held up his hands. "I didn't say anything like that at all! I said you WEREN'T going to hurt anybody!"

"He did!" Fred nodded. "That's what he said!"

"What do you know? You is stupid!" Dobby yelled, turning back to Sam and starting the argument again.

"Dobby, stop it. Nothing's going to happen."

"Really Sam, he's not doing anything." 

Dobby and Sam looked skeptically at the other. "Are you sure?" Sam asked, raising an eyebrow.

"I'm positive." Frodo nodded. "Let's just forget about it."

Sam looked at Dobby dubiously. "Really Mr. Frodo, he's from another world, surely that poses some threat."

"No, I don't think it does."

"We didn't come here to kill you off. We were just curious about that strange gap in the air. Honest." Harry butted in.

"If you is not going to hurt Mr. Potter, then you is okay." Dobby said.

"So now we should come to a truce, I suppose." Sam held out his hand, and Dobby shook it, showing everybody his toothy grin.

"Now that the matter is settled, what about your world?" Fred asked. "I mean, elves are taller then we are, that isn't something you see everyday."

Galadriel smiled slightly. "Well…I suppose I do owe you an explanation."

Ron sat up sleepily and rubbed his eyes. "Whattimeisit?" He mumbled.

"Late! Boy, wouldn't McGonigall be knocked off if she knew!"

"I could tell you everything in the morning, if you are weary."

"No…I'm not tired." Harry was cut off by a huge yawn. "I could stay awake for awhile yet."

"Nonsense. Bathe yourselves, eat, and do what you must. My archers will show you to your rooms."

"You mean the ones that aren't out to kill the house elves?" Fred asked brightly.

Hermione glowered. "That's not funny."

"Sure it is!" George insisted. "You just have no sense of humor!"

"I do too!"

"No, not really, you don't." Fred nodded.

"Why, I've never been so insulted!"

"Well, actually, you have."

"You remember, that one time."

"Yes, and you had that look of a fish on your face."

"A fish?"

"You know, what you look like Fred."

"You do realize we are identical." George laughed.

"Oh yes, through ESP though, since we look nothing alike."

"You're a psychopathic,"

"The term is, psychic."

"Not for you it isn't!"

"Is anybody following this argument at all?" Harry asked, cutting in.

Everybody slowly shook their heads, except for Fred and George who continued poking fun at each other.

Galadriel stood up. "I'm leaving, you may stay up if you want, and continue your petty arguments, but I'm am going to BED!" She yelled, whirling around and leaving the room.

Fred and George stopped with their mouths hanging open and slowly turned. "What's her problem?" George asked.

"I really don't know." Fred shook his head.

Hermione stood up with a huff. "It's because you two are constantly going at it and never stop! It's terribly annoying, and you need to SHUT UP, so everybody else can get to sleep!!" She stormed out of the room.

"Ron, you better go calm down your girlfriend."

"She's not my girlfriend." Ron muttered.

"Fine then. The 'object of your affection'." Fred smiled. He turned to George for support, only to find that his twin was asleep and snoring on the floor, hugging Harry's leg. 

Harry himself, was asleep on the couch, clutching an elvish pillow, snoring lightly. 

"We hang out with the weirdest people." Ron sighed.

~~~~~~~~

Hope you liked part two! Tbc…


	3. Herbal Essences and A Smashing Duel

Disclaimer: I own it all! AHAHAHHAHAHAHA! See, I wrote it down on a piece of paper! I own this fic! AND Lord of the Rings! *is surrounded by corporate lawyers* I mean…er…

Rated PG for: The thought of Legolas with hair a color besides blonde.

AN: Sorry it took me so long to get this friggin' chapter out, I'll try and be better about it. I got my bookmark back! Yay! *hugs bookmark* The anonymous comment is taken from 'Saruman's Fan Mail Hour', I didn't come up with it. BTW, with the help of KK I(we) are writing the fifth Harry Potter book. If any of you would be even slightly interested in this, tell me. Oh, and I didn't mention last chapter that I was going to slightly bash Sam and Dobby, sorry. (Lego-chan is slightly bashed in this chapter, but I love him to pieces, and mean no harm.) Without further ado…!

Chapter Three

The Next Morning…

"Wake up!" Harry sat up, as ice cold water was poured on his face.

"What the-?" He spluttered, trying to dry his glasses on his soaked robe.

"Sorry, but you need to wake up, and Galadriel told us we could use any means necessary."

"Yes, it was my idea too. I told you we needed brains on this sort of mission…quest…thing."

"Bloody brilliant Pip, you just proved it by pouring buckets of water on people's heads."

"Shut up Merry."

Harry put on his glasses, and squinted up at Pippin and Merry, who were holding an empty bucket. 

Harry blinked. "Who are you?"

"We're anonymous!" Pippin exclaimed brightly.

"Anonymous…?" 

"Merry and Pippin at your service." Merry said, grinning, before running off to fill the bucket again and wake the others.

George sat straight up, hitting his head on the bottom of the couch. "OWW! Bloody he-hello!"

Fred tumbled off of his chair laughing, before getting doused with a bucket. "What? I was awake already." He said, wiping water out of his eyes.

"Yeah, but it's more fun this way." 

"Did you sleep well?" Hermione asked, stepping into the room, dressed, and smirking. 

"Wonderfully." George groaned, rubbing the lump that was forming on his head.

"FOR CRIPES SAKE! THAT'S COLD!" Ron yelled, sitting bolt upright. 

"Good morning to you too." Pippin smiled.

"Geez, they're as bad as you two." 

"Nah, we're funnier." Fred and George said in unison. 

"Says who?" Pippin asked. 

"Says me." Fred glared. 

"I haven't seen you do anything funny. Just throw a party and turn the elves in to Pepsiholics." Merry piped up.

"Your right, that's not funny, that's hilarious!" George started laughing.

"I challenge you to a duel!" Pippin shouted, wielding the empty bucket in front of him.

__

Match #3: Merry and Pippin vs. Fred and George

Announcer #1: Ahh, you made it to match three! The excitement never ends here! In this corner, the clowns of Middle Earth we have Meriodoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took! They're about ye tall, with curly hair, and…really…big…feet.

And in the other corner we have Fred and George the troublemakers from the world of Harry Potter! Nobody's really sure how tall they are or how much they weigh, but they do have a lot of red hair and freckles! Remember, keep it clean. Let the match BEGIN! 

"Match accepted!" Fred yelled back, picking up a nearby bottle of Pepsi. 

Merry picked up a popcorn bowl, and George found a stray arrow. "Put 'em up!" 

"On guard!" Pippin yelled, swinging the bucket around, George blocking it with the arrow, while Fred snuck up behind him and hit him on the head. 

"HAHAHA! You will never defeat us!" Fred laughed, throwing back his head. Merry took this opportune moment to shove the bowl on his head, and start drumming on it. 

George had just jabbed his arrow through the bottom of the bucket, when Galadriel burst into the room. Once again, making an absolutely spectacular entrance. Everybody paused and looked over at her.

"What are you doing?" She asked, not looking angry, much to everybody's surprised.

"Just having a bit of fun." Fred smiled. 

Galadriel raised an eyebrow and looked at the scene. George trying to pull his arrow out of the water bucket, Fred standing behind Pippin, a popcorn bowl on his head, and Merry holding it on. She burst out laughing. "You…could…be…jesters!" She gasped out, holding onto a nearby chair for support. 

Fred managed to throw the popcorn bowl, and Merry off of him, little bits of popcorn and kernels stuck in his hair. "What's so funny?"

Galadriel started laughing even harder. 

George pulled the arrow out of the bottom of the bucket and fell backwards, the momentum causing Pippin to stumble backwards into Fred who fell backwards on top of Merry and popcorn bowl.

"If you wouldn't mind I would like to breath in the near future." He wheezed, struggling to keep the popcorn bowl from cutting a hole in his stomach. 

Fred tried to push Pippin off of him, who was dazedly leaning back for support.   
"The cow is pretty, where's the pretty cow?" 

"Pip, the only cow is you! You need to lose some bloody weight!" Merry squeezed out from the bottom of the pile, but left the popcorn bowl behind, causing Fred to jump up.

"AHHH!!! What are you trying to do? Break my back!?" He yelled.

"Oww." Pippin commented, having run face first into the wall. "That felt nice."

"What do you think your laughing at?" Fred growled, turning to his twin who was rolling on the floor.

"What else would I be laughing at? You!" He rolled over, and clutched his stomach. 

"That's it! You're dead!" Fred jumped on top of George, and the two had soon ensued in a vicious wrestling match. 

By this point Galadriel was almost rolling on the floor herself, she was laughing so hard. 

Pippin was tottering around the room, still commenting on the pretty cows, and Merry was trying to snap him out of it. Finally the dazed hobbit stumbled into the fighting twins. "Oh hello…" He said. 

"THE HOBBIT MUST DIE!" George yelled, and soon Pippin was pulled into the wrestling match.

"Hey! Don't hurt Pip! He's not very bright, but he means well!"

"SHUT UP YOU CURLY HAIRED FIEND!" Fred yelled, yanking Merry into the battle. 

Ten minutes later…

Ron stared blankly off into to space, drool hanging from the end of his mouth. Harry was asleep on the couch, the right half of his body sagging off, and snoring loudly. Galadriel, was still trying to stop laughing, holding her stomach, with tears streaming down her face. Hermione yawned, and looked at her watch for the millionth time. 

"THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!" Legolas yelled suddenly, bursting into the room. "WHO STOLE MY SHAMPOO!?" The doorknob, being slammed against the wall so hard, fell to the floor.

_Ding!_

The four stopped wrestling. "Match over already?" George asked brightly.

"Uh…"

The four turned to see a seething Legolas. "Who. stole. my. shampoo?" 

Fred grinned nervously. "Not me!" He proclaimed, throwing the bottle of Herbal Essences to George.

"I don't want it!" George yelped throwing it back.

"You take it!"

"No, you!"

"You!"

"You!"

"You!"

"YOU!"

Legolas calmly fitted his bow and shot an arrow through the middle of the bottle, pinning it to the wall. He stormed over and yanked it off, snapping the arrow in half. "I'll be back for you later." He growled, stomping out of the room.

Fred and George grinned at each other as soon as we was gone. "Pretty good joke." 

Merry and Pippin were sitting in the corner laughing. "Not bad." Merry said approvingly. "Although, I'm sure we could have done better."

"That's not all." Fred smiled. "We put dye in it too."

"That might not have been to bright." Pippin shook his head. "Honey would have been better."

"What? You don't think blue is his color?" George asked, and the four burst out laughing. 

"WHO STOLE MY FIREWORKS!?" Gandalf yelled, bursting into the room, resembling a certain elf's temper.

"Them." Merry and Pippin said simeoultaneously pointing at Fred and George.

"We don't have any fireworks." George protested.

"Well, we do, but they're our own, not Gandalf's fireworks." 

"It's Gandalf not Gandalf!" (AN: Although they are spelled the same, it's being pronounced differently, trust me.) 

"Ahh…who gives a fig about his name?" The two were soon in a heated argument, and Gandalf slowly turned to Merry and Pippin.

"Well?"

"You'll have to give us gold before we tell you!" Pippin yelled.

"Fine." Gandalf gritted his teeth and handed each of them a gold coin.

"We used them all last night at the party!" Merry cried triumphantly. "AHAHAHAHAHA!" 

"You had a party last night? And I wasn't invited?" 

Fred and George immediately stopped arguing and turned to the very angry wizard. "It's been fun old boy." Fred started.

"But I think it's time we go." With that Fred and George ran off, very closely followed by Merry and Pippin.

Galadriel finally stopped laughing, and pulled herself to her feet, trying to catch her breath. 

"What's so funny?" Harry asked, waking up and rubbing his eyes.

"My idiot brothers and the little hobbit guys." Ron sighed.

"Don't forget 'Soon to be dead'." Hermione put in.

"You think Gandalf will kill us?" Fred panted, brushing a branch aside.

"No, he'll cool off pretty soon. We'll be okay within an hour or two." Merry responded, trying to catch his breath.

The four looked back at that moment only to see a huge cloud of sparks and dust fly through the roof of the tree house.

"I thought you said he wouldn't try and kill us!" George gasped, picking up the pace.

Merry shrugged. "He'll be fine, he just has a bit of a temper. As I said, we'll be okay within an hour or two."

Fred and George nodded, reassured.

"WHO PUT BLUE DYE IN MY SHAMPOO!?!?" 

"Make that one or two days." Pippin put in. "While watching out for flying arrows."


	4. Blue Hair Dye and Terrorist Wizards

Disclaimer: I do not Lord of the Rings, or Harry Potter, or Yoda, sadly *sighs* YODA ROCKS! *ahem* Anyhoo, one day I plan to win the lottery and buy the rights to Legolas. AHAHAHHAHAHA!

Rated PG for: Mentioning a scary terrorist. Oohhhh

AN: Sorry it took me so long to get this chapter out, I'm just really lazy, and the floppy of truth broke, sooo this story took a brief hiatus. Thank you to everybody for reviewing, I feel so loved! *sniffle* 

Chapter Four

While the twins and the hobbits were running through the forest to avoid getting hurt, a very pissed elf burst into the tree house everyone else was occupying. Everyone would have gone into hysterics at his bright blue hair, but the glint in his eye, stifled any thought anyone had of even snorting. 

"Where are they?" He asked, his left eye twitching slightly.

"They ran off after Gandalf got mad." Ron said, pointing to the wizard, who was pacing around the cabin. 

"I didn't get invited…why not? Everybody loves my fireworks, I can breakdance, I could have brought pipeweed! But no! Nobody wants Gandalf around…"

"Will he help me hurt them?"

Ron nodded. "Most likely."

Legolas smiled a feral smile. "Great. Come on Gandalf, we've got to hunt some pranksters." 

Gandalf snapped back to the real world. "What?"

"Wait!" Hermione jumped up. "I think I can change your hair color back to normal." She told the archer.

Legolas raised a very blue eyebrow. "You can? How can you if Gandalf can't?"

"He doesn't know what hair dye is. Hold still." Hermione raised her wand, and after thinking for a minute muttered an incantation.

A small puff of smoke surrounded Legolas's head, and when he had waved it all away, his hair was back to a bleached blonde. 

"It worked." She smiled triumphantly.

"It's back to normal…?" He grabbed a handful and looked at it. "It's back to normal! Thank you!" He then did a very un-elvishy thing, and picked Hermione up in a hug.

She blushed slightly. "You're welcome, it's nothing really…"

"It's back to normal!" He grinned. "So…party planned for tonight?"

"Well…when the four guys come back they'll most likely want to have a party, so why not?" Harry shrugged. 

"And this time I'M invited!" Gandalf proclaimed. 

"What about me?" Dumbledore asked, walking into the treehouse. 

"How'd you get here?" Ron asked, falling off the chair he was sitting in. 

"Well, when breakfast didn't show up this morning, I figured there must be something wrong with the house elves, and when I went to check the kitchens they were all gone! But, there was a strange portal leading to another world in the middle of the kitchen which is very rare and unusual so I decided to go through, seeing as how I haven't been to an alternate universe for quite awhile, and sure enough, I found myself here! Good to see you again Galadriel!" 

Frodo stood up and looked from Dumbledore to Gandalf, then to Dumbledore, and back to Gandalf again. He tilted his head and batting his cute hobbit eyes he asked, "Are you Gandalf's twin?" 

"AHH! Oh the humanity! My long lost evil twin has come back to haunt me! We must kill him!" 

Dumbledore looked surprised. "No! Wait! I don't know who you are old boy!" 

"Stop playing games and fight me, you evil fiend!" Gandalf yelled.

"Okay." Dumbledore shrugged. "Sure."

__

Match #4: Dumbledore vs. Gandalf

Announcer #2: It's about time another fight has started, and with me, the wonderful announcer two here to give you the coverage! You are so lucky! In corner number one we have, the headmaster of the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy, Order of Merlin first class, at probably around six feet with a long beard, and a pointy hat! Dumbledore!

And…in corner number two, leader of the Fellowship, leader of the council of the white hand, a wizard fabled throughout Middle Earth, he is also six feet tall, has a long beard, and a pointy hat! Gandalf the Gray! Uh…I mean, the white…yeah…heh…also known as Mithrandir, the Grey Pilgrim, and a lot of other things that aren't on my cue cards right now. 

Gandalf whipped out his staff, and Dumbledore raised his wand. "Expelliarmus!" Gandalf's staff flew across the room and into Dumbledore's outstretched hand. 

"Blast!" Gandalf yelled, tackling the headmaster of Hogwarts, and grabbing his staff back. "You shall not P- oh wait, I'm getting my lines mixed up. Die you evil fiend!" He pointed his staff at Dumbledore. 

Before the two old men could hurt each other, Saruman burst into the treehouse. "I SEE YOU IN MY PAPERWEIGHT!" He bellowed. Crickets chirped in response and everybody looked strangely at the terrorist wizard. "I mean, my seeing glass…thingy…yeah…." 

Dumbledore stared strangely at the wizard who strangely resembled Osama bin Laden. "Uhhh…hi." 

"YOU!" Saruman cried. "YOU WERE THE ONE IN MY P-Seeing glass!" 

"I have a paperweight too!" Ron offered. "It's from Bulgaria!"

"Are you a wizard?" Saruman asked. 

Ron nodded. "Yeah, actually, I am." 

"Having a paperweight doesn't automatically make you a wizard or a witch." Hermione sniffed. "They're used to hold down paper, there's nothing magical about that." 

"OH MY GOD! IT'S OSAMA BIN LADEN!!!! KILL IT! KILL IT!" Harry yelled, waking up and putting on his glasses. 

Out of nowhere Yoda appeared. "Osama bin Laden, evil he is." Then with a poof of smoke he disappeared. 

"Who is Osambeenladin?" Saruman asked, his staff pointed at Harry who was still slightly hyperventilating.

"EVIL!" Harry yelled. 

"Harry Potter SILENCE! He is not the terrorist you speak of, he is merely an evil wizard who attempted to control Middle Earth with an army of Uruk-Hai. Do not worry." 

Harry blinked. "Oh! Okay. Sorry about that." 

Hermione shook her head. "Harry, sometimes I worry about you." 

~~~~~~~~~

TBC…^_^_^_^_^_^

__


	5. Subliminal Messages and Puppy Dog Faces

Disclaimer: I do not, nor will I ever own Lord of the Rings. *sigh*

Rated PG for: The mention of hangovers

AN: I really apologize for not getting this out sooner. SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY SORRY…etc…I just went through a sort of writer's block. Gah. Hopefully I'll get out of it and get the next five or six matches out before October. Keyword: hopefully. Also, I have been informed that this chapter contains subliminal messages. I want to say that these messages were done without my knowledge, and do not necessarily reflect my own personal opinions. I finally managed to explain this to a very angry person, and I hope you understand it too. Please, do not yell at me. Thanks a bunch. Now, on with the chapter…

Chapter Five

That night after all the elves had gotten over their hangovers, and had washed all the puke ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~GLKJGJGKgJFDklh`joigK~GHOK"OKSRg'l`KDFMGO'mv~lf`lkrh`s;lg`krew"KHG"KJF"DS~"IHR~~KRH~LJG~"FJDHHDFJG~KLFVSZ~VMA~:SJF~WRE:G~H~:O~HFAE:LN~GEARLKGNRGM~AEN~HALKNG~:LKR~HJREGJAO~I~~

Oops. Technical difficulties. Let's try this again shall we?

That night after all the elves had gotten over their hangover and had washed all the puke out of their hair, (except for Legolas who stayed sober the entire night, and his hair was clean because he was taking a shower when it turned blue, but then Hermione turned it back to normal and it was pretty and the right color) they decided it would be a good idea to have another party. They were just setting things up ~~~legolasisexy~~~(Saruman was still freaking out, so Ron threw his paperweight at him, and then they tied him up) when Fred, George, Merry, and Pippin all showed up. 

"So we are having another party! Brilliant!" Fred exclaimed, little sticks and leaves sticking up out of his hair, and his face covered in dirt. 

"I'm sorry, you're not invited." Gandalf sniffed, sticking out his tongue. 

"What!? Why not?" Fred asked, his mouth hanging open. "We went through the entire bloody forest and now we can't even relax!?" He pointed to the rather large cut under his right eye. 

"Nope." 

"Not even us?" Pippin asked, batting his huge cute hobbity eyes.

"No, not even you. You used all my fireworks." Gandalf scowled.

"That's not fair!" Merry exclaimed. ~~~sarumanisosama~~~

"Life isn't fair, get over it you wimp." 

"Oh come on Gandalf they didn't mean it. You need to learn how to forgive and forget." Hermione turned to the four in the doorway and let them in. "Get cleaned up, the party starts soon." 

"Wow, thanks Hermione! You're awesome!" George cheered, dancing inside and making a funny face at Gandalf. 

Fred jumped in the treehouse, and on Gandalf's back knocking the wizard over. "Haha, ya old goat!" 

"Do not think of me ~~~samisgay~~~ as a conjuror of cheap tricks!" 

"Yeah, whatever." Fred grinned, pulling off Gandalf's hat and running away with it. 

"Hey! Come back with my hat!" Gandalf started running forward to get his hat, when he had to stop short, for Yasaaf appeared right in front of him. 

"Osama! The Americans are coming! The Americans are coming!" Yasaaf yelled running up to Saruman. 

"I'm not a terrorist! I am NOT Osambeenladin!" Saruman yelled, trying to shake Yasaaf off his sleeve. 

"Oops, sorry, wrong story. Allah be with you." Yasaaf bowed and disappeared with a poof. 

Gandalf stood there in confusion ~~~Arwenisawhore~~~ for a minute until he spotted Fred, George, Pippin, and Merry attempting to set his hat on fire. It wasn't working very well, because every time Fred and George managed to light it, Pippin would put it out with his two liter bottle of Pepsi. ~~~Gandalfisapothead~~~ 

"Give me back my hat!" He exclaimed, raising his non-existent staff. "Where's my staff?" He asked. 

"Heehee!" Dumbledore grinned holding up his staff. "I got it from you, remember?" Harry and Ron looked at Dumbledore nervously. They knew their headmaster wasn't quite right in the head, but they had never heard him _giggle_ before. 

"I knew that guy was a loony." Ron muttered to Harry, shaking his head. 

"Give me back my staff!" Gandalf yelled, very near the point of a tantrum. 

"Hmm…how about not?" 

It was at this point that Gandalf had the last straw. "That's it. I asked nicely, but no more Mr. Nice Gandalf!" He then conjured a spell (without his staff, he's special) to bring Ewan McGregor to Middle Earth. "Puppy dog face!" He commanded, pointing to everybody who had something that he wanted back. 

Ewan frowned, his lower lip trembling. Hermione immediately broke down and got little stars in her eyes. "Awww…!" She cooed. (Hey, that may be out of character, but YOU try resisting his puppy dog face! *watches Moulin Rouge* Awww!!) "Come on you guys, give Gandalf back his stuff." 

All of the guys looked confused. "Why…? Fred asked, obviously not understanding. 

"Because I said so!" Hermione yelled, pulling out her wand. "Now come on!"

"I don't think we should." George grinned. "How are you going to make us?"

Hermione eye twitched, and she struggled to remain semi-calm. "I'm the one who is letting you come to the party, so you should listen to me. Otherwise you're out of here."

The twins looked at each other and very slowly let out a long sigh. 


	6. A Game of Catch

Disclaimer: I don't own it, never did, never will.

Rated PG for: Threatening with an intent to carry out. Or something…

AN: It's about bloody time! Here's the newest chapter! I can finally right again! Sheesh! Legolas Lover For Life… I apologize for not responding before. I own the One Ring, what the heck are you talking about!? I own Frodo, therefore I own THE ring. Everything else if yours, though.

This has one mention of something from Return of the King, you have been warned. 

Chapter Six

"Yeah yeah, don't get your panties in a twist," Fred muttered, handing over the hat, while Dumbledore agreeably gave him back his staff. 

Gandalf shoved his hat on his head and looked over his staff for a minute before turning furiously to the fearsome foursome. "Fools, all of you!" He bellowed. "Act up again…and you can only imagine the terrible things I would do to you." The four gulped, rather loudly, and nodded. 

"Of course, Gandalf ol' boy, won't trouble you a bit!" George grinned, nudging Fred in the ribs. 

"Not a stitch! Promise!" 

"That's what I thought," Gandalf snorted, stalking off to go brood. 

Meanwhile…Saruman (after getting over the shock of Yasaaf poofing in front of his face) was attempting to escape from his ropes. It wasn't much use though; they had been enchanted by Hermione, who had read up on magical knots just days before. (Hey, she reads everything else in the flippin' library.) "How to get out…" he murmured, struggling vainly against the ropes, which laughed at his attempts to get loose. Just when he was about to give up all hope a light bulb flashed above his head. 

Twisting one of his freaky fingers in a freaky way, he used his fingernail to saw the knot in half. Now is that incentive to drink your milk, or what? 

He laughed triumphantly, jumping to his feet, lightning flashing in the background. The room became dead quiet as everybody slowly turned. "That can't be good." Harry decided. 

And right he was, the crazy old wizard was about as wacky as Denethor, and was ready to brew some trouble. "Soon the armies of Isenguard shall crush you like the pathetic insects you are!" He cried, reaching behind his back and whipping out…nothing. "What!? Where is the paper-seeing stone?" 

"You mean this old thing?" George asked, tossing the palantir nonchalantly into the air and catching it. 

"I thought it was something to use for catching practice," Fred grinned, and just _barely _caught it before it hit the ground. 

"IT IS NOT TO BE USED SO TRIVIALLY!" Saruman cried out, running frantically towards the twins, who casually side stepped him.

George shook his head, "Hey, catching is serious business, you wouldn't want to drop something valuable."

"THAT IS VALUABLE!" Saruman roared. 

Fred snorted, "That little ball of glass? Don't be ridiculous!" 

With a very scary glare, Saruman growled, "You will pay for testing my patience." 

__

Match #5: Saruman vs. Fred and George

Announcer #1: Well, isn't this the surprise match! Very close, and very exciting! I predict the best! In corner number one is a man who needs an introduction, Saruman the White! Or is he of Many Colors? We don't know!

And…in corner number two we once again have the popular Weasly twins, who seems intent on getting into as many fights as possible! I remind you, keep the match clean. BEGIN!

"How?" George asked, "By hitting me with your cane?" 

"That's a place to start," Saruman replied, magically producing his staff and whacking George on the head with it. 

"Oww!" He cried, "That hurt, you loony old codger!" 

Saruman rolled his eyes, "It was supposed to. You will pay for you insolence!" And with that he whacked George again, and again, and again…

Fred stood there casually tossing the palantir up and down, up and down, up and down…

"Shouldn't we stop him?" Hermione asked fearfully, "Someone could get seriously hurt!" 

"Wouldn't that be great?" Ron sighed, with a smile on his face, receiving a buffet from Hermione. 

"That's not funny! They're your brothers! Can't you do something!" 

"And get whacked on the head? I don't think so!" Ron protested, blocking another blow. 

"Well somebody has to intervene," she sniffed, "somebody will get hurt."

Harry shrugged, "Hermione, unless you want that crazy wizard to knock your head in with his staff, I would suggest keeping your distance."

"Ugh!" She exclaimed, "Boys are impossible!" 

George sat there uncomfortably, a rather large bump forming on his head, "You know, I don't even have your bloody stone." He said finally. 

Saruman stopped in mid blow. "You're right!" He exclaimed, turning on Fred. "Give it back or suffer the consequences!" 

"What if I break it instead?" Fred asked, a mischievous grin creeping up onto his face, as he tossed the stone into the air yet again. 

"You wouldn't!" The old wizard gasped. 

"I might…I haven't decided yet." Fred gave it another toss but didn't catch it, and the palantir fell to the ground, breaking in two with a sickening _crunch._ "Oops," Fred shrugged, "now do you see why it's so important to practice catching?" 

"AUGH! MY SEEING STONE!" Saruman dove furiously at Fred, whose eyes widened about ten times their normal size. 

However, right before he was able to tackle his foe, he was hit in the side of the head with something rather large and heavy. Stumbling to the side, he fell over and passed out. 

All eyes turned to Hermione who dusted off her hands, and picked the paperweight back up, "It was about time somebody did something." She explained, calmly sitting back down on the couch. 

~~~~~~~~~

TBC…(soon, I hope!)


	7. The Sexiest

Disclaimer: I don't know Lord of the Rings, I don't own Harry Potter, I don't own Pepsi (but my editor does!), and I don't own some other things in this chapter. I DO co-own Yasaaf! 

Rated PG for: Disturbing images and a bad word. *gasp!*

AN: Did this take me too long? I hope not. I like fan service, although I don't seem to dish it out too much. Maybe this will change your mind. *grin* ^_^ 

Oh yes, a word to Elven Pickle: Did you read the entire story before insulting it? If so…*points and laughs* you wasted part of your life reading something that you hated! HAHAHAHAHAHHA! *ahem* I have an analogy for you. Comparing Harry Potter to Lord of the Rings is like comparing…(are you ready for it?) Lord of the Rings to Harry Potter! Yay! On with the story!

Chapter Seven!! *song and dance routine*

The party was set up more quickly than the first time, and managed to carry on for a good ten minutes or so before any difficulties popped up (two elves got into an argument over a bottle of Pepsi), and another half an hour before a second difficulty popped up (the same two elves arguing over a new bottle of Pepsi). All in all, it was a success. In order to keep Galadriel from crashing it, the party resulted in being quieter, calmer, and not quite as long as the previous one. Of course, this didn't stop Fred and George from continuing a long time after it was supposed to have ended. 

Which about brings us up to where all the fun started. It was maybe three in the morning, give or take a few minutes, and all occupants still in the tree house were asleep. With the obvious exception of Fred and George. 

"It's quiet," George murmured. 

"Too quiet," Fred agreed.

"What do you say we liven the place up?"

"How?" 

George grinned, and crept over to the DJ stand, nudging the sleeping elf away from it. "Let's see…what would give our friends a nice wake up call? How about…" a grin crept up on his face and he was about to push the play button, when frenzied scratching on the door stopped him. 

"Who the-? Surely not old mum," Fred pondered, heading over to the door, and putting his ear up against it. (No, he did not use a cup. They don't work, despite all the hype that movies give them! Forget everything else that says otherwise! I only speak the twuth!) 

On the other side he thought he could detect the faint mutterings of some pathetic creature. It sounded something like, 'My preciousss, the preciousss is here, and we must takes it from the nasty hobbitses…'

"Well?" George prompted.

"Sounds like a schizophrenic, obsessive compulsive child with a speech impediment," Fred replied with a shrug. Whoever it was couldn't pose that much of a threat, not if they didn't have enough sense to turn the handle on the door. So…Fred opened it. 

On the front porch was crouched a creature that looked like a very hideous balding baby. It snapped to attention, it eyes squinting at the faint light. "Preciousss!" It hissed. 

"Psycho…right." Fred rolled his eyes. He then noticed that the creature was clutching something close to its chest. They looked like blue hair rollers. "You coming in or not?" 

The thing looked around furtively and ducked inside, hissing in disgust at the drunken elf to his right. George looked curiously at the thing and started laughing hysterically. "What is _that_?" 

"Gollum…my precioussss…we likes the dark, yes we does." 

"Shut up or go back to the looney bin," Fred muttered at it, although he had to admit, the pitiful thing was rather funny. 

Wiping tears from his eyes, George turned purposefully back to the stand, when he was interrupted a second time, by a loud pounding on the door. Fred didn't have to press his ear up to the wood this time; the person wasn't trying at all to be quiet. In fact, it sounded as if they were trying to wake up the entire forest. 

"LET ME IN!" They roared. Fred's hand froze in front of the handle and the twins both gasped softly. 

"You don't think it's…"

"Lockhart?" George finished. "That stupid git!" 

Before Fred could think of a spell to cast, the door burst open, nearly knocking him to the ground. Indeed, there was Lockhart, his hair amuss and fire in his eyes. He just happened to have his memory and was at Hogwarts for…some reason, and Gollum, having found the window had traveled through the school, searching for something that he could substitute for his lost 'preciousss'. 

"Where are my hair curlers?" He asked, his veins bulging out of his neck, and his wide eyes searching the large room. 

"I think the ugly baby thing has 'em," George pointed to Gollum, who was crouched in the corner. Somehow, all this commotion managed to wake up only one person. A certain very pretty-ful elf named Legolas, who sat up and blinked once before fully awake. 

His hair, of course, was gorgeous and he stared curiously at the hyperventilating Lockhart. "What's going on?" he asked, then spotted Gollum. "Bad Hobbit-like creature!" He scolded, "Give Legolas the hair curlers!"

Gollum hissed and spat and squinted some more, but finally gave in when Legolas threatened to touch him. Then he shrieked like a banshee and tore off into a darker corner, muttering about his lost precious. Legolas picked up the baby blue rollers and looked that them. "These belong to you?" He asked Lockhart, making an offer to hand the two rollers over. Lockhart nodded eagerly and dove for the rollers, clutching them. 

By now, Gred and Forge were both by the DJ stand talking amongst themselves. "Him and that ugly thing should really get to know each other I think they'd get along," Fred murmured. George nodded heartily. 

Now, I'm not implying that our sexy elf has no respect for hair care products, but even he was looking at the grown man a little oddly. He had never really met humans who were so…strange before. Most men stood proud and tall and took the occasional bath. This one was obsessed with looking pretty, especially his hair, which, Legolas noted with distaste, was in complete disarray. "You know, they're just hair curlers," he said. No sooner were the words out of his mouth then Lockhart had leapt to his feet and was glaring daggers at his previous savior. 

"WHAT!? JUST HAIR CURLERS!? BLASPHEMY!" He roared, effectively waking everybody else in the room.

"Erm…" said Legolas.

However, before the rabid Lockhart could pounce on the doe-eyed Legolas, two figures _poofed! ™ _ into the room. Who were they? Why, none other than Yasaaf and Abu! (Long story, I'm just delivering semi-fan service.) 

"Don't fight, it is not God's will," Abu said wisely.

"Yes!" Yasaaf agreed, "Instead, you should have some type of contest! Solve it peacefully! Go USA!" He grinned and the two _poofed! ™_ away.

Still half-asleep and very confused Ron muttered, "What the hell?" With a quickly added "-o!" after receiving a glare from Hermione. 

"A contest. Okay, how about an archery contest?" Legolas suggested.

"No! A prettiest signature contest!" Lockhart shot back. 

"How about…" Hermione spoke up, "a contest to see who's sexier." Ron and Harry looked curiously at her. No doubt the two of them would love the idea, but _Hermione_ was suggesting it. Harry shook his head. This was just getting too bizarre.

Legolas shrugged in agreement and Lockhart puffed out his chest. 

__

Match #6: Gilderoy Lockhart vs. Legolas Greenleaf

Announcer #2: Hello and welcome to match number six! This contest is a no brainer, and I don't even know why we're bothering to have it, but why not! In corner number one, from Harry Potter's world is Gilderoy Lockhart. A blue eyed, blonde haired git, who is a flaming Narcissist. 

In corner number two from Middle Earth, and the obvious winner is Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood, and the hottest elf wearing a tuxedo eva! He is also blue eyed and blonde haired, but he is pretty and modest. And the entire Fellowship would have died if it weren't for him, but do they give him recognition? NO! cough *aragorn* cough Don't interrupt the others…er…display please. Let the match BEGIN!

"Ooh! Ooh!" Lockhart squealed, bouncing up and down like a schoolgirl. "I wanna go first! Let me go first!" 

"Okay," Legolas amiably agreed. 

"Cool!" Lockhart exclaimed, smoothing his hair the best he could. Then he turned to the twins and ran up to them, whispering something excitedly. The two of them smiled back and snickered when he turned around. "I present to you…Gilderoy Lockhart!" he boomed, "Order of Merlin, Third Class, Honorary Member of the Dark Force Defense League, and five-time winner of the _Witch Weekly's_ Most-Charming-Smile!" He waited for applause, and when he didn't receive any, he coughed and motioned for George to start the song.

"We have to hear him sing?" Harry groaned, grabbing his pillow and holding it firmly over his head while rolling around in torture. The song hadn't even started yet and his eardrums felt like they would split. If Lockhart wasn't embarrassed, Harry would be embarrassed for him. 

_"You are so beautiful…!"_ Lockhart started. The collective audience, including Hermione gagged and all conveniently found earplugs.

"This is supposed to prove he's sexy…how?" Ron shuddered. 

The Hobbits were all huddled up in the corner, their hobbity eyes opened wide, and fearing for their little Hobbit lives. Finally, after a few minutes of excruciating torture, the song ended and everybody cheered. Not for Lockhart of course, they were just glad that the song had ended. 

Legolas sat in thought for a minute, then had a quick word with Fred and George. Nobody stuffed in their earplugs, but they were hovering, just in case. After all, none of them had ever heard the elf sing before. He could be horrendous. It wasn't probable, but it was possible. 

The pulse of the song started and then Legolas launched into a full out singing and dancing routine to _"I'm too sexy"_. (What? You were maybe expecting something ugly?) He had to stop before it was all the way over, sadly enough, because he was still a little drunk off the Pepsi, and Fred's and George's playful jests of, "Take it off! Take it all off!" Were taken all a little too seriously. He _was_ restrained before he became indecent and was forced back into his clothes. (You were hoping it was all coming off weren't you! Sorry this is a children's story, you perverted rabid fangirls! Teehee, I'm a hypocrite, I was hoping the exact same thing.) 

"Well, who won?" Lockhart asked. All of the guys in the room looked around shiftily, not daring to answer. So Hermione rolled her eyes and stood up. 

"Legolas won, you go back to Hogwarts with your hair curlers," she announced. 

Lockhart's lower lip trembled, then his eyes scrunched up, and finally he burst into tears. The winner of the contest was given the pleasure of dumping him outside.

Not like normal men at all, Legolas decided, dumping the wailing package outside. 

~~~~~~~~~~

More coming soon to a theater near you!


	8. I Spy with my Little Eye

Disclaimer: Do you need to hear it again!? You do!? *Sighs* I don't own any of this stuff…*runs off and cries*

Rated PG for: Suggestion of a very painful injury.

AN: This is just the beginning of my Christmas special! The next chapter will be out before Christmas, and might even have no fights, after all, peace on earth, right? Haha, yeah right. Anyway, here is the next chapter (took me long enough, huh?), have fun!

Chapter Eight (Yeah! I am slow!)

Later that night… 

After the sodden mass of Lockhart had been sufficiently disposed of, the energy in the tree house had gone down tenfold. Fred and George were still very much awake, but everybody else was feeling quite lethargic. 

"Perhaps we should go back," Harry pondered aloud, staring blankly at the wall. 

"Yeah, after all, somebody will start to worry about us," Hermione added. 

"As long as it isn't Snape," Ron sighed. 

"Do we really have to go?" Fred asked, looking slightly taken aback, "I was rather enjoying myself." 

"Me too," George added, "this places needs some cheer about it. Who better to do that then the two of us?" 

Galadriel entered the room then, having heard the entire conversation. She had been walking to her birdbath…er…mirror when she heard the conversation going on inside (after all, she is an elf). "You wish to leave so soon?" she asked. Remember that the people of Middle Earth are used to weeklong visits after saying, 'No, I really can't stay'.

"Well, people will start to wonder where we are," Harry told her, "and we have school to think about."

Ron rolled his eyes, "Harry, you moron, we're on our Christmas holidays right now."

Harry laughed rather nervously, "Oh yeah, I had nearly forgotten." 

"That's a good point, there's hardly anybody left at the school to be worrying about us," Hermione nodded, agreeing with Ron. Needless to say, Ron was shocked into kind of a speechless gape. "What? It was a good point." 

Galadriel looked delighted, "So you'll stay?"

"Depends," Fred piped up, "do you give out presents on Christmas?"

"On what?" Galadriel asked. Fred and George looked at her as if she had just sprouted fangs and told them that Lockhart was a good fellow. 

"You don't celebrate Christmas?" George choked out, his eyes bulging out with surprise. Fred just shook his head in surprised silence. 

Galadriel stared at them in return as if they belonged in the loony bin (although I don't think they had them in Middle Earth, otherwise Saruman would have been locked away years ago). "No…I've never heard of something so strange. Is it a ritual?"

"Holiday actually," Ron piped up, seeming rather keen on talking now that he had Hermione's approval, "it's when we celebrate the birth of um…an important religious figure by giving each other presents. Do you have a god?"

"Do I have a god?" The elf queen scoffed. "Of course! But I've never heard something quite so ridiculous as giving each other things."

"Well that has a significance too," Ron struggled, "you could read about it later. But the point is, everybody is quite attached to Christmas, and if you don't celebrate it then we'll probably go back to Hogwarts for it, and who knows if the window would close up while we were there."

Minutes of thoughtful silence passed until Galadriel spoke up again. "I will consult my mirror. Perhaps we could give this 'Christmas' of yours a try." Nobody, except a few other inhabitants of Middle Earth understood what the heck she meant, so they just smiled and nodded. With a smile the queen of Lorien left the room in search of guidance. 

Fred and George congratulated their younger brother heartily on his splendid performance, and then ran off, promising that they would be back. "Just want to spruce things up a bit!" Fred called, having gotten over the shock of somebody not knowing what Christmas was. 

"Don't even ask," Ron groaned, when Hermione opened her mouth. Merry and Pippin, being awfully curious, decided to follow the twins, who were overjoyed with their new partners-in-crime.

Frodo looked curious too, but was too twitchy and nervous to talk to the others. Besides, he thought looking adorable with his huge Hobbity eyes, his mother always told him not to talk to strangers. 

Galadriel returned in a few hours, looking rather puzzled. "Indeed, the mirror shows me that Christmas would be beneficial and is a wholesome activity to partake in. However, it showed something else that I cannot interpret. It shows…a woman with large glasses and makes many predictions entering our mist. Do any of you know of such a woman?"

All of the members of Middle Earth politely shook their heads. "No ma'am," they chorused. However, the trio of from Hogwarts groaned loudly, and Dumbledore laughed. "We do know her. Her name is Professor Trewlaney, she…she's a fraud, but she teaches Divination. She'll probably 'see' us in her crystal ball or something and then go down to the kitchen because it strangely beckoned to her," Hermione explained with a long drawn out sigh. 

"That is precisely what happened my dear," sound Professor Trewlaney's misty voice, as she stepped out of the shadows. Harry, Ron, and Hermione gulped in one simultaneous motion. "Although you have little aura, I imagine you would have done well in the area of guess work my dear," Trewlaney nodded to Hermione. Apparently, she hadn't heard the first part of what Hermione had said. "Hello. I'm afraid that I don't know as much as I should. I believe that my Inner Eye is rather clouded when it comes to other worlds." Galadriel stared at her for a moment, with an eyebrow raised. Without her mirror she wasn't exactly great shakes at reading minds, or telling the future, or anything of that sort, but there was something about the way Trewlaney's beady eyes stared at her…it was unsettling. She probably disturbed her students so much that they didn't realize that Divination could not be taught unless one had the Gift. She very much doubted whether any more than one student at Hogwarts had the Gift. 

"I am Galadriel, lady of the wood, queen of Lothlorien," she replied, holding out her hand. Although the strangers had just turned up recently, she was pretty sure that this was a proper way of greeting.

"Pleased to meet you dear. I am Sibyl Trewlaney."

A slight twitch occurred in Galadriel's eye, but she ignored that and smiled graciously back. "Hermione informed me that you taught students Divination. Perhaps you could help me. Maybe your Inner Eye is clouded when it comes to other worlds, but maybe once you are in another world you will be able to perceive all within that world." This speech confused the "teacher" of Divination, but she nodded nonetheless. 

"Of course I could try, but I cannot promise anything. Are you skilled in Divination yourself?" Trewlaney asked. 

Galadriel looked positively insulted. Was she skilled in Divination? How dare that woman! If she knew anything about the art at all, she would be able to tell that Gaddy's aura was blinding. She was an elf! An elf sorcereress (or so said the dwarves)! Of course she was! That was it, it was time for war. "As the matter of fact I am," she sniffed back.

Trewlaney looked genuinely surprised. "How long dear? Your aura is very weak."

"One thousand years," Galadriel snapped frostily. 

"One thousand! My if you aren't-"

"Don't you dare say it you, you," she struggled searching for a sufficient insult, "you old bat!"

Professor Trewlaney gasped, "I'm an old bat? You are the slowest learner I have ever seen!" Galadriel gritted her teeth and emitted a noise that sounded similar to that of a cave troll.

_Match #7: Professor Trewlaney vs. Lady Galadriel_

Announcer #1: Action at last! This should be a good one! In corner number one we have the so-called Professor at the Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry! She wears interesting clothes and huge glasses!

And in corner number two from Middle Earth, we have Lady Gaddy! She has already been introduced to you numerous times, but I'll just say that she is older and wiser than the rest of us! She's also tall and has a tendency to overreact! Please ladies, no teeth, nails, or hair pulling. Let the match BEGIN! 

"You!" Galadriel pointed a long and trembling finger at Harry who started out of his seat. "You are plagued by a fear you have no trouble naming! In addition to that you feel split loyalties, and in your future I see a tall dark man who will take you into his home!" 

Harry grinned, "You mean Sirius will be cleared? That's great!"

Trewlaney 'humphed' and turned to Frodo, who's Hobbit eyes widened even further (if that's possible). "You carry a great burden." Frodo whimpered and nodded in reply. 

Galadriel scoffed, that had been a lucky guess, and obvious besides, considering the poor Hobbit and been hunched over by the weight around his neck. "Ronald," she turned to the Weasley who visibly paled, "you are rather taken with somebody, but afraid to admit it. Do not fear, it will happen in the near future during a time of peril. Your feelings are mutual." Ron smiled uneasily but didn't say anything. She was right, of course.

"You feel a great loyalty to one in this room," Trewlaney said to Sam. Galadriel rolled her eyes. As if that wasn't even more obvious! The lad had been sitting next to Frodo talking to him, and rubbing his back in addition to asking him if he needed anything. 

"Let's go to my mirror," Galadriel suggested, "perhaps we could both look into a possible future." Trewlaney nodded in fierce determination and the two women headed towards the beautiful bir-mirror, the rest of the company trailing behind, while remaining oddly silent. Upon arriving at the clearing Galadriel had to shoo a few birds away from the basin and picked up her silver pitcher and filled it with water. 

"Why don't you tell everybody else what we will see?" Trewlaney suggested, hoping that she would figure out exactly what the mirror was. 

"The mirror shows many things," Galadriel smirked, "things that were, things that are, and some things," she finished pouring the water, "that have not yet come to pass." Frodo whimpered again, even more pitifully as this and clutched the ring around his neck. He still had nightmares about that mirror, and the eye of Sauron tormented him. (Poor little Frodo! So little, so innocent, so cute. Doncha just wanna hug him?) "You first," Galadriel motioned, taking a step back. Trewlaney stepped forward and leaned over in order to get a better look. Without warning, the elf queen leapt forward again and dunked her head face first into the water. 

Remember when she said that you must not touch the mirror? Yeah? Well, it was for good reason too. Trewlaney started running around, screaming madly and waving her arms in the air. Fred, George, Merry, and Pippin chose this excellent moment to enter the clearing bedecked with candy canes, mistletoe, stocking, decorations, you name it, they had it. "Excellent!" George exclaimed, "Starting the Christmas season early, are we?" 

Galadriel had an awfully smug look on her face and accepted a candy cane. "Don't worry Sibyl dear," she laughed, "we'll have you healed in a few months. I may be a slow learner, but I can be rather mean spirited, eh? Cheers!" She unwrapped the candy and laughed again, this time everybody else joined in. This would be a very Merry Christmas. 

~~~~~~~~~

Oh, if you would kindly leave a review and tell me what matches you would fancy in the future, that would be absolutely splendid! Happy Holidays (to all you Jewish folk out there, I haven't forgotten you!) ^_^


	9. Holiday Special

Disclaimer: The only thing I own in this chapter is Boromir's chronic dying problem. I don't really even own that because I don't own him…*sniffle* 

Rated PG for: Uh…nothing really this time around. Big words maybe?

AN: I told you I'd have this baby cranked out before Christmas! Granted, it is Christmas Eve, but that is still before Christmas! So ha! Yes, I told you Jewish people I would forget about you, even if I know nothing about Hanukkah. I don't know if it's just me but every chapter I crank out is getting longer or something. I don't know. Enjoy!

Chapter Nine (*cheesy Christmas carols play, with the dreidel (which I can't spell) song cranked up in the background*)

The twins and the two Hobbits made many more trips back to Hogwarts after the initial one. Not only did they need to get enough lights to decorate the entire forest of Lothlorien, but Hermione had insisted that they show the elves Hanukkah as well. She insisted that everybody in Middle Earth wouldn't celebrate Christmas if given the choice, and might simply like the Jewish holiday better. As we all know they agreed to her idea, because Hermione can be rather persuasive when she wants to be.

Not knowing anything about Hanukkah besides the fact that it involved a menorah and presents, the group from Hogwarts decided to just make up rules. After all, if they were doing something terribly wrong it wasn't like any of the people from Middle Earth would know. Fred and George decided it wasn't so bad getting a small present every night for seven nights. Galadriel much preferred it to Christmas. She said giving small sensible gifts made a lot more sense, than just buying some huge thing. 

Although they did enjoy a present every night, Fred and George decided Christmas was still ahead by leaps and bounds. The candy canes were great, Christmas cookies were great, the trees looked great, and mistletoe was their favorite form of torture. Ron was their victim for days, until they discovered the fun of Hermione. If they charmed it above her head just as Legolas was rounding the corner, then it would lead to interesting situations. Not to mention Ron turned bright red and fumed about it, so it was almost like he was getting it as well. 

Galadriel finally decided that she liked Gingerbread houses, and every time you turned around she was making another one, tongue sticking out, and eyebrows furrowed in concentration. By the time Christmas Eve rolled around there were about fifteen odd houses strewn throughout the main tree house. (You know the one I'm talking about. The one where almost this entire story has taken place) 

It was on Christmas Eve where all the excitement began to take place. All those people from Harry's world, the Fellowship (Boromir magically came back to life), Arwen, and Galadriel were all sitting on elven couches around the Christmas tree. Saruman had been untied and sent back to Isengard, on orders to buy presents for all of the goblins and Uruk hai. 

Galadriel was in the middle of making another Gingerbread house, Fred and George were planning their next mistletoe attack, and everybody else had a candy cane. Boromir and Aragorn ended up fencing with sharpened ends of theirs, Legolas broke his into a stick and sharpened it into an arrow, Gimli crushed his, Merry and Pippin ate theirs, Harry and Ron spent a great deal of time pretending they were pirates, Hermione gave hers to Pippin, Frodo gave his to Gollum, and Sam tried to fry his in a pot. 

Needless to say, the tree house smelled very interesting. 

Aragorn and Boromir decided to stop fencing when the Steward of Gondor's son received a fatal wound. He lived though, because he had already died once, and it was Christmas. In fact, none were expecting a match or anything because it was supposed to be that time for peace on earth and goodwill towards men. Those silly people (and elves and dwarves…) should have known better. 

It was all instigated by Fred and George (surprise surprise) who were attacking people with the mistletoe. First they accosted Aragorn who simply kissed Arwen, then they tried Gimli who threatened to sever all the limps from their body. George managed to get one above Frodo's head, but the Hobbit looked at him with his huge hobbity eyes and his lower lip trembled. Not even Sauron could fight against hobbity eyes. "You win," George sighed, lowering his wand. 

Gollum hissed and jumped up, grabbing the mistletoe and eating it. This caused everybody to stop what they were doing and blinked. Then Ron growled an absolutely ridiculous, "ARRRRRRGH!" and everything returned to normal. 

"Hey George!" Fred called, and waved his twin over. 

"What is it my coconspirator and brother?"

"Let's get Hermione again."

"Why?"

"Because she's sitting right in between Harry and Ron, and it'll be funny."

"Smashing idea. Shall I do it, or shall you?"

"Perhaps you could distract them."

"No problem." George saluted to his twin and crept over to the corner that Gollum was crouching in. In one swift movement he yanked the candy cane out of Gollum's hands and ran away sniggering like mad. 

"Give us backs our preciousssss!" Gollum demanded, chasing after George. Fourteen heads in the room turned to watch the chase. Fred took the opportune moment to get a new sprig of mistletoe and send it floating over towards where Hermione was sitting. Then something happened that the twins did not intend. 

"Here Smeagol, would you like this?" Hermione asked, conjuring a blue rubber ball out of nowhere.

"Precioussssss!" he cried, leaping over the back of the couch and into Hermione, shoving her onto the floor. This caused Harry and Ron to try and pry Gollum off of Hermione (who found the whole ordeal hilarious), and it screwed up everybody's position. 

Anyway, it just so happened that the mistletoe positioned itself above Arwen's head. However, she couldn't just turn and kiss Aragorn, because he was kneeling over Boromir who was doing a good job of dying again. The only two people she had to choose from were Gandalf or Ron. She knew Gandalf better, but Ron was…not an old guy. 

"Kiss somebody!" Fred called, "It's the rules!"

The elf looked back and forth for a minute before grabbing the back of Ron's shirt and landing a big and sloppy kiss on his lips. 

Ron blinked in surprise. Fred and George blinked in surprise. Galadriel blinked in surprise. Harry blinked in surprise. Gollum happily crouched next to the tree with his ball and proceeded to drool all over it. Hermione sat up slowly, her face slowly contorting into a look that didn't exactly scream, "I'm happy." More likely it was something like, "I really loathe you, and if you even blink I will rip you apart like a dog rips apart a newspaper."

George went back to his twin and looked at the scene before them. "I'm not sure if the plan succeeded or if it completely bombed." Fred nodded, and glanced around for things to use at protection. 

"What?" Arwen asked. Ron had retrieved his candy cane and sunk into the corner of the couch. "I had to kiss _somebody_." 

Hermione's jaw slowly tightened. Her glare did not lessen in the slightest.

Harry nudged her, "Hermione, calm down."

"I will not," she muttered.

"Oh please," Arwen rolled her eyes, "it's the rules of mistletoe. Besides, it's not like I would do it again or anything."

"You did not just say that," Hermione said quietly, getting to her feet, hand inching towards her robes. Everybody who attended Hogwarts or taught there flinched slightly. They knew what happened when you got Hermione worked up. 

"I did."

The witch closed her eyes then opened them again, "I don't think you did."

"I did, what is the big deal?"

If looks could kill then Arwen would have been buried in about ten different coffins. 

"What? You don't, you don't _like_ him or something do you?"

__

Match #8: Hermione vs. Arwen

Announcer #2: Hello everybody, and happy holidays! I almost thought that we wouldn't have a match, but looks like I was mistaken.

Announcer #1: And because it is the holidays, we have decided to happily share announcing duties.

Announcer #2: We have?

Announcer #1: Yep.

Announcer #2: Does that mean I get to announce the next by myself?

Announcer #1: *laughs heartily* Of course not! Next time it's my turn to announce!

Announcer #2: That is not fair!

Announcer #1: Whoever said life was fair?

(Announcer #1 and 2 get into a very large fistfight)

Announcer #3: Well then, I guess I'll just do this. In corner number one we have Hermione Granger from Harry Potter's world! She is medium height, has bushy brown hair, and dang, is she smart! Let's give her a hand!

In corner number two is Arwench…er Arwen Evenstar from Middle Earth! She's tall (cause she's an elf) has brown hair, blue eyes, and well, she doesn't have a personality! Oh well! Remember, killing people is against the law! Let the match, BEGIN!

"Oh that's it! I've had enough of you! I don't care what you went through to date Aragorn, and I don't care if your dad is cool, and I don't care if your grandma is even cooler! Because you are nothing more than a pampered little daddy's girl, and furthermore, you have rocks for brains!"

"I'm plenty cool!" Arwen insisted, "And I'm not exactly stupid, thank you very much! In fact, compared to me, YOU are stupid!"

"I very much doubt if you know more than me, besides elvish. You're a couple thousand years old?"

"Never ask a lady her age," Arwen sniffed. Hermione looked like she was about ready to tear her hair out. "Listen, you are really offending me. But I suppose mortals are always hot headed and quick to decide things. So what if I love my dad? You don't love your dad?"

"There's a difference between loving your dad and letting him do everything for you," Hermione snarled back. 

"At least I know my dad loves me!"

Harry and Frodo decided to start having a pity party in the corner with copious amounts of Pepsi. Both of the poor guys are orphans, as you know, and all the talk about their fathers made them sad. But because they had somebody else who understood what was going on, they could always lament about how sad it was. 

"There's a fine line between love and absolute control!"

Both girls were up in each other's faces and glaring daggers. Boromir had decided to die again, so Aragorn was distracted, the two of them were talking and all that fun stuff. Fred and George decided that because Hermione's anger was not directed at them it was funny, so they whipped up a batch of popcorn. 

"Have you ever helped save the world?" Arwen asked, thinking of time she had ridden Frodo into Rivendell, and stolen the responsible of poor misunderstood Glorfindel. 

Hermione laughed shortly, "Funny you ask that. Three or four times actually I have helped save the world. And I'll probably do it again."

Afraid that the "Who is a better evil person Sauron or Voldemort" argument would crop up again Galadriel shook her head. "This isn't an argument about saving the world," she reminded the two.

Arwen not having enough gusto to defy her terrifying grandmother changed the subject. "You're just jealous of me being pretty!" she yelled finally.

"You won't be after I'm done with you!" Hermione screeched back, yanking her wand out of her robes.

"A stick!" Arwen screamed, jumping into Aragorn's arms. Well, jumping where Aragorn's arms should have been. He and Boromir were fighting with candy canes for the billionth time. She landed on the floor. Hard.

"What." Hermione growled, keeping her wand pointed at the elf princess.

"Arwen has an intense fear of sticks," Aragorn explained, dodging a swift jab from Boromir. "Ever since she took Frodo to Rivendell (taking Glorfindel's place) and got that scratch on her cheek she's paranoid that it will happen again. Although she doesn't know it."

"What are you talking about?" Arwen asked, standing up and brushing her dress off. "I am NOT afraid of something as silly as a stick." Hermione held up her wand again and Arwen screamed again. 

"Yes you are dear, don't worry, I still love you." Arwen cooed and the rest of the room became violently ill. Well, except for Gollum who was quite content with gnawing viciously on his rubber ball. Also, Frodo and Harry were only ill because the two of them polished off a twelve pack of Pepsi in about two minutes. You try it without vomiting everywhere. 

Hermione sat down on the couch, still glowering slightly. 

"That was just, Hermione, that was crazy," Ron shook his head. 

"She deserved it. Besides, I was defending you."

"I know, but it was still crazy."

"So what. Wasn't that insulting?"

"Not really," Ron shrugged then leaned forward and whispered, "she couldn't kiss at all anyway." 

~~~~~~~~~

Woohoo! I even have ideas for the next chapter and everything! Again, suggestions are always welcome (I love to please my fans)! Happy Holidays everybody, and remember…don't eat yellow snow! If it's even snowing where you live…cause it sure ain't where I come from…even though it should be…stupid environment…anyhoo! Aren't you happy that Gollum finally found a precious? Will it be threatened next time? Will Boromir finally stop dying? Will anybody else Harry knows enter Middle Earth? Will Ron and Hermione finally admit that they have the hots for each other? Next time on Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings: I don't know what happens! ^_^


	10. It was a Dark and Stormy Night

Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with Lord of the Rings or Harry Potter. I also do not own the opening line "It was a dark and stormy night" whoever that lucky a-hole was, is rich right now. I am not. So please, do not confuse the two of us. 

Rated PG: Scary rain and lightning

AN: Okay folks, this author's note is gonna be a long one, so if you don't want to read the whole thing, I understand. However, you might just want to check it out. Who knows, something here may be of interest to you!

First and foremost I would like to say that my next chapter will be out on Valentine's Day. That's right, I'm getting off my lazy butt and writing a chapter for you, in a week! Do you think I can do it? There will be (maybe) no matches next time, but everybody will be opening Valentines. If you would like to send a Valentine to a member of the story, please leave one in your review. It can be store bought, hand made, a box of chocolates, or a thoughtful poem. Whatever you choose it to be, send it in!

Next, I would like to wish a happy and belated birthday to Orlando Bloom and Elijah Wood! Orli turned twenty-six on the 13th, and Frolijah turned twenty-two on the 28th. We love you guys!

For those of you who are interested, I am starting an update list. If you would like to be notified of when I update this story, please tell me in your review and leave your e-mail for me. Thanks to Lady Artemisan for the idea. ^_^

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Sugar Quill – Your sister is obsessed with Orlando Bloom? Compliment her on her wonderful taste. It just so happens that I am a fan of both Orli and Legolas, as are my crazed friends. (If you want to talk to obsessed, talk to them.)

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Daydreamer – Hey! Hands off! Frodo is MINE!! That's right, the authoress of this story is a Frolijah fangirl. You may run for cover now.

Okay, I know this probably will not interest you people, but it entertained me, and it entertained KK (my editor) and that crazy reviewer known as Mrs. Greenleaf. Yes, I am friends with them. If you haven't run for cover, please do so now. ^_^ Anyway, I had a dream about Frolijah (for all you people who are confused Frolijah is a term to encompass both Frodo and Elijah, hence, Frolijah. Get it?) and well, it was fun as heck. I wrote it down, and decided to put it up here in my author's notes! Don't you just feel special! If some of the stuff sounds weird, don't worry, it's either because of the dream, or because I couldn't resist sticking an inside joke or two in there. Enjoy! 

It all started on a Sunday night. I had to go to Nicki's house for one reason or another and my entire family decided to accompany me. My brothers came because of a conversation we had about a foreign exchange student, or something like that, I'm not really sure. Anyway, we showed up and Jessica answered the door. She informed us that her deck had caught on fire, but when we went outside to look, it was just a little burnt corner. Out of the blue, Elijah Wood showed up and told us that he would teach us games and tricks. We agreed and went back to our house. Standing on the driveway, he taught us various things such as how to make sounds with our hands and yo yo tricks. At one point I managed to do a cool behind the back trick but it ended up getting wrapped around my leg. After teaching us everything he could we went back into the family room and he sat down on the couch. I was just standing there when he started talking to me. He was asking me questions about stuff. Benjamin and Ethan jumped at the chance to start teasing us. Pushing aside KK's _Lord of the Rings_ board game, I sat down next to him, and we continued talking. Gradually, the distance between us began to close, and in a bold move I shifted over and settled down on his left knee. (Am I smooth or what? ^_~) Not that he minded or anything. 

We sat there for a little bit before he pointed at the floor and asked me what I had been doing. Following his finger I told him that I had been working on a puzzle. He had me get off his knee and sit on the armrest, but we were still in very close proximity to each other. Then, picking up a violin he started to play a beautiful melody. When he was finished, Frolijah turned and stared into my eyes. As the two of us leaned in, his eyes shown like beacons of light (my editor's decision, don't ask). My heart pounded wildly, and I was sure that my face was bright red. Hardly a centimeter from the other's face he grinned suddenly and stuck out his tongue slightly. Not in a mean or nasty way, mind you, it was just something silly and done with a giggle. I took it as a sign of nervousness. 

Unfortunately the two of us didn't get close to kissing again, and instead decided to watch 'The Faculty'. Looking at the clock I realized with a start that it was four-fifteen in the morning. Elijah decided that he didn't want to sit and stretched out, positioning his head on m lap. He joked about me violating him when one of my hands rested on his chest. The two of us started laughing and then…my son of monkey's uncle alarm woke me up. Monday morning. 

Is that not the craziest dream ever! *looks around and notices that her audience has fallen asleep* Oh…hehe…well I guess we should get on with the story then! I now announce…chapter ten of Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings!

Chapter Ten (accompanied by a Dutch clog dancer)

With Christmas over, things in Lothlorien began to return to normal. Decorations were taken down and packed away for the next year, Fred and George ate the remaining candy canes, Galadriel enchanted her gingerbread houses so that they would remain perfect forever, and the elves stopped having drunken parties every night. In fact, the twins of terror were banned from having parties, especially after the New Years incident. The nights were spent discussing the two worlds, which Galadriel and Hermione seemed rather keen on, while everybody else just sort of sat around. Fred and George had a fun time stealing Gollum's rubber ball for about a week before he nearly bit George's finger off trying to get it back. They resorted to playing tricks on any poor, hapless elf that happened to wander by. 

Their new favorite target turned out to be Legolas, seeing as he was around quite often, and was usually deeply involved in something else. A few times he had managed to find out what they had been up to and managed to escape unscathed. However, being the devious little fellows they were, Legolas had lived with green, pink, red, purple, and orange hair before he could track Hermione down and ask her to fix it. 

One particular night, Legolas, Aragorn, Boromir, and Gimli were all out on a quest or exploration of some kind, which left everybody else with nothing to do. Hermione was curled up on the couch reading a book on botany that Sam had lent her, and he was reading something on Herbology. Harry and Frodo were sitting the corner, having another pity party. They had ended up inviting Ron, because he was Harry's best friend, and he had nothing better to do. The twins were murmuring to each other, trying to come up with something to do, while Galadriel and Arwen discussed Elven affairs. Gollum was nowhere to be found, but according to Frodo he had seen him just before the sun set with his blue ball and hissing "my precioussss…" 

The sun had gone down quite some time before, and Arwen began fretting about Aragorn. "It's so dark out, and they've been gone all day. You don't think something's happened to them, do you?" she asked her grandmother. 

Lady Gaddy shook her head, "No. The scouts would have reported it by now if anything had happened." She wasn't so sure herself though; the sky was darkening outside, and flashes of lightning, well…flashed. It appeared as if a thunderstorm could break loose any minute and not the good kind of rain. The kind of rain that started out books with "It was a dark and stormy night" stuff. 

Suddenly a huge gust of wind blew the tree house door open, putting out all the candles and plunging the room into utter darkness. Somewhere in the blackness Hermione called out, "Lumos!" and a pale light emanated from her wand. The group sat there in silence for a moment before Ron and Harry pulled out their own wands. Fred and George were heading for the door, and Galadriel had just lit the first candle when Aragorn burst in the room accompanied by a rather large flash of lightening and a rumbling clap of thunder. 

"Alas!" he cried in the flickering candle and wand light, "We must mourn this night, for Boromir, my companion, and son of the steward of Gondor has fallen!" 

"Is that all?" Fred asked, using his wand to light the other candles in the room.

"Is that all?" Aragorn repeated incredulously. 

"Is there an echo in this room?" George asked.

"Is there a reason you're all asking questions?"

"I don't know, is there?"

Aragorn stood there in silence for a minute, as the candles were lighted again, and warmth returned to the small room. "Alas!" he cried again, "Will not one of you share in my grief!" Arwen looked about ready to reply when somebody else entered the room, Boromir's arm held tightly around his shoulders. 

"He's not dead you stupid git, just hurt badly. You'd think a great king like you could tell the difference between dead and able to walk," the figure growled. 

A stifled silence filled the room. Then, "Why are there two of you?" Arwen asked. 

Aragorn turned and looked at the man next to him. "Imposter!" he shouted, "throw off your disguise! I am the Aragorn son of Arathorn, the true king of Gondor!" 

"Nice to meet you," the Aragorn clone grunted, "are any of you going to help me with this guy?" He nudged Boromir in the side, who groaned and straightened himself up. 

"I thank you, but I can walk of my own accord," he nodded, took a step forward, and promptly fell on his face.

Aragorn opened his mouth.

"Don't you even THINK of saying alas!" the Aragorn imposter snarled, helping the fallen future steward guy back to his feet. 

"This guy can't be me!" Aragorn pouted, "He's much to mean! And besides, he doesn't have the same rugged good looks!" 

Hermione rubbed her chin, "I don't know, you both look pretty similar to me. Tall, thin, long greasy hair, somewhat of a beard, tattered clothes. You look like you could be twins separated at birth or something." Galadriel lit the last candle, which somehow brightened the room about a thousand times. 

Ron gaped, "Sirius?"

Everybody immediately turned to Harry for conformation, knowing that the bespectacled boy should recognize Sirius Black better than anybody else. Harry scrutinized that new stranger, while trying to blink stars out of his eyes. "Uh…I don't think that's him," he said finally. 

"What! Look! That's Sirius!" 

The newly dubbed Sirius was about to say something, when Hermione interrupted. "Ron, look at this logically. Sirius would have had to find some way to Hogwarts without getting caught, then he would have had to find his way to the kitchens, and without the assistance of house elves found the rip in the air. It just doesn't seem to fit together."

"Argh!" Ron slapped his forehead. "Don't you see! Sirius went to Hogwarts to tell Harry something, but it's only logical that he would be hungry upon arriving! And being one of the Marauders, he knew where the kitchen was, and that the house elves would give him anything he wanted! However, with the lack of friendly elves, he probably began to suspect something, and instead of going and fetching the headmaster - who has been here in case you forgot – lest the problem worsen, he decided to investigate the strange shimmering portal in the air! Now tell me, how does this seem unbelievable!"

"It sounds more outrageous to me than one of Professor Trewlaney's predictions," Hermione sniffed. 

"Excuse me?" the stranger raised his hand, "I would like to say that you should all listen to Ron. He seems to be the only one with his wits at the moment. Now somebody help me with Boromir, I'm Sirius!" (Hehe…doncha just love the puns?) 

"Scoundrel! Liar! Identity stealer!" Aragorn yelled, unsheathing his sword, "Coward! Maker of bad puns! Ruiner of my mourning of Boromir…or something!"

The supposed Sirius drew a wand from his robes. "You really are crazy," he said.

__

Match #8: Sirius Black vs. Aragorn 

Announcer #2: Hello all you beautiful people! *grins, while Announcer #1 attempts to escape the corner into which she has been tied* Welcome to our newest match! In corner number one we have Sirius Black from Harry Potter's world. He looks the same, weighs about the same, and is a little bit taller than Aragorn! Isn't that crazy!

And in corner number two, we have the future king of Gondor! He relates to Sirius in all those crazy ways that I just mention! Let's get on with the match, shall we? Please, try not to induce any fatal wounds, we don't need another character with a chronic dying problem. Let the match BEGIN!

"How dare you call me crazy!" Calling out a war cry that resembled a wounded duck, Aragorn leapt forward and tackled "Sirius". The two wrestled around for a bit, and Boromir desperately tried to crawl away with what little strength he had.

"So…much…grease…" he moaned. In a rather bold move, the twins darted forward, grabbed Boromir's arms and pulled him away from the shouting, sweating, and frankly, disgusting fight that was going on. 

"Where does it hurt, mate?" Fred asked. 

Boromir winced and pointed to his side. Fred touched his wand to the spot and muttered a few words. "Hey…that feels all lot better. What sort of new devilry is this?" 

"Is that a good thing or a bad thing?" Fred inquired of his twin. 

George shrugged, "Who knows. Why don't we knock him out?"

"Sounds good to me," Fred agreed. 

But back to the fight…the man who claimed he was Sirius had managed to pin Aragorn on the floor. "Will you just listen to me! I am not, I repeat, I AM NOT TRYING TO STEAL ANYBODY'S IDENTITY!" As if on a cue, a huge bolt of lightning struck the ground next to the tree house, effectively putting out all the lights again. This time, all the candles flickered back to life after a few seconds. "I'll have to teach you that spell later," the man said to Hermione. 

Harry blinked at the onrush of light and gasped… "Sirius!?" 

"Splendid that you were able to make it old chap!" George called out from across the room.

"Yes! Absolutely smashing!" Fred added. 

"Well then, Sirius, what do you know…" Hermione muttered to herself.

Harry ran over to hug his godfather, while Ron searched for a sharp object to do himself in with. "You actually came!" Harry exclaimed. Ron settled for beating his head against the wall. 

"You thought I wouldn't worry when I hear no word from you for over a month?"

"Oh Sirius, I'm sorry!" Harry hugged his godfather more tightly. From across the room, Frodo's huge Hobbity eyes were even huger than normal and he sniffled. It wasn't fair that the only other parentless person now had a substitute father. Why didn't anybody love him? 

Almost as if he were reading the Hobbit's mind, Sirius nodded towards Frodo. "Who's that? Doesn't look like a very happy little fellow."

"That's Frodo, he's my new best friend here. I guess he's not very happy because now I kind of have a dad and well…he doesn't."

"We can't let that happen, now can we?" Then, Sirius did something very out of character that made Harry feel like he might faint. Standing up, his godfather crossed the room and crushed the poor little Hobbit in a tight hug. "How would you like to have an honorary father, Frodo?" 

Frodo's eyes filled with big Hobbity tears, "You…you really mean it?"

"Of course I do! I mean everything I say!"

"Aww…" Hermione cooed.

Ron lay on the floor, twitching, "Please…I beg you, kill me." However Boromir did not listen to Ron, because Boromir was dead. Again. 

~~~~~~~~~

This chapter is dedicated to my dog MoMo who we had to put to sleep on the morning of January 31st, 2003. We'll never forget you Mo!

There you are! Don't forget to send Valentines, add yourself to the update list, or comment on a match you would really like to see! Also, I will eventually leave notes to all of you who have taken the time to review my story, but I thought that would make my note at the beginning longer than the chapter. Until next time…


	11. Valentine's Special

Disclaimer: I don't own Valentine's Day

Rated PG for: A bad word, and too much pink

AN: Yay! Here is a Valentine's special! I knew I could get another one out in time! Thank you for everybody who contributed to this chapter.

__

Daydreamer – I know you said that you would come up with something new, but I kinda liked your original idea. So I stuck it in anyway. ^_^

__

Alleymap – Eek! Thank you for sending me TWO valentines! It made me feel hugely special! "Oh my God…you killed Boromir!" That is a funny idea! It cracked me up!

And a note to the rest of you…thank you so much for reviewing this thing! Each and every one makes me feel special! In honor of reaching a hundred of them, I have a cameo of my "100th reviewer"! I put it in quotations because I couldn't get a hold of my real 100th reviewer, so I just handed the cameo to one of my friends. I'm stinker, ain't I? So, just as forewarning, if I ever reach two hundred reviews, then you'll get a cameo. Yay. Now, on with the story! (Sorry that this didn't come out yesterday, stupid ff.net wouldn't let me upload. Grr…)

Chapter Eleven (Mosh Pit!) 

Harry woke up feeling very warm, comfortable, and content. He blinked his eyes open and looked around in confusion. He couldn't see very well because his glasses weren't on, but it appeared as if somebody had sneaked in and painted the room pink overnight. Groping for his glasses, and managing to accidentally wake up Ron and Hermione (by grabbing robes, arms, legs, whatever. They were sleeping on the same couch.) he finally grabbed the frames and put them on.

"AHHHHHH!" he cried, falling off the couch. He hadn't been entirely right; the room had red and white on it as well. Little hearts and half naked children with bows and arrows were practically wallpapering the room. 

"Whatzdamatter…" Ron mumbled, sitting up, opening his eyes, and promptly went bug eyed. "What did Lockhart do!?" he yelled. 

Hermione woke up and yawned, "Well, the decorations are a bit overboard, I'll admit that. You all knew what today was though, remember when we were making valentines?" Ron and Harry looked at each other.

"Refresh my memory," Harry scratched his head.

"Honestly, yesterday, when Fred and George came in with all that lace and glue and everything, and we decided to make valentines the Muggle way, and then…oh no! You two weren't here! Well, I guess you could try to make valentines before anybody else wakes up…"

"Wow, did Lockhart sneak in over night?" Fred asked, waking up.

"Not possible, Gollum would have bitten his hands off," George replied. 

Gollum was in the corner snoring, his little blue ball painted bright pink. 

Before Hermione could even open her mouth to tell the twins to be quiet, Legolas burst into the room, his hair bright pink with white hearts decorating it. "WHAT IS IT WITH YOU TWO!?" he exclaimed. 

Fred and George started sniggering. Hermione tried to quiet the frenzied elf, but to no avail. The rest of those in the cabin effectively woke up and blinked in surprise. "I swear, I could be a professional," she sighed, turning his hair back to normal. Which didn't fail to make the elf prince grin broadly, as it always did. 

"Was Gilderoy in here?" Sirius asked, pushing himself up. Because the tree house wasn't a hideout, he had been able to shave, wash his hair, and cut it. Needless to say, many elf maidens had been giggling madly whenever he entered the vicinity. 

"Why does everybody keep asking that? Who is that?" Arwen pouted, looking at the walls, "I think they're pretty."

"They're gorgeous," Aragorn cooed, "just like you." 

"Awww…" Arwen grinned. 

Everybody left the two to their own devices. "Everybody ready to open valentines?" Fred asked.

"Cupid stuffed the mailboxes last night," George added, pointing to the wall. The leftover Christmas stockings were stuffed with cards, sweets, and probably dung bombs. 

"It's not that late, shouldn't we eat breakfast first?" Hermione asked, still trying desperately to stall. 

"Chocolate serves as a wonderful breakfast you know," Fred told her, grabbing his stocking. 

"Why are you so intent on stalling anymore 'Mione?" George asked, grabbing his own stock, and getting sprayed in the face with something. Fred started laughing, and the two started squabbling, forgetting all about listening for Hermione's answer. 

However, Ron's attention was not so easily diverted. "Yeah, I mean, Harry and I could always just hand out our valentines later, couldn't we?"

"Well, I suppose so…" Hermione blushed brightly, and took her own stocking. Harry and Ron shrugged and dug into their letters. Because it was the day of love, Boromir decided to postpone dying for at least twenty-four hours, and took his own stocking down. And because everybody had been woken up by a crazed Legolas, they all got their own valentines. 

As usually happens, certain people had more than the usual number of valentines. Legolas stocking was splitting as the seams with heart covered cards, while Ron received just a few extras, which caused him to blush extravagantly. 

First to eep in surprise was little ol' Frodo. "Who is Daydreamer?" he asked, opening the card, which promptly started to sing. 

__

"Your eyes are as blue as a clear summer's sky

Your face is as pale as a dry erase board

Oh-"

Was all the card managed to get out before the Hobbit closed it and sat on it. Harry groaned. He knew what Frodo was going through all too well, after all, every February the 14th he would cringe when he remembered his own singing valentine. The Hobbit tentatively reached for his next valentine and examined it carefully to see if it showed any signs of singing. "Shadow Phantom," he read, then opened the card and squeezed his eyes shut. However, the valentine did not start to sing, and instead contained chocolate rings covered in gold foil. "That's nice," he smiled, then closed it. 

Meanwhile, Boromir was staring at a valentine of his own. "Somebody actually…likes me?" he poked it a few times to see if it was a trick, put it didn't do anything. "Alleymap," he said, opening the card, "Be mine. Does this mean I have a girlfriend now?" 

"I reckon it does!" Fred said brightly.

"About time too. It's really pathetic to have a guy kiss your forehead every time you die. Now your girl can do it." Fred and George started to laugh insanely, while Boromir scowled at them. 

"Hey! Shh!" Pippin put a finger to his lips. He was poring over a valentine that he was having difficulty reading. Merry took the card from him. 

"Pip, it's for me."

"Oh. Sorry," Pippin grinned sheepishly, and handed the card over.

"Kelly would love to tickle my Hobbit feet!" he grinned, feeling special. "Now in addition to having my own Christmas, I have a not-so-secret admirer!" 

"I have an anonymous admirer!" Pippin said proudly, showing Merry his own valentine. 

The same scenario pretty much went on for the next fifteen minutes. Legolas by far had the most mail, but Fred and George had the best haul. In addition to tons of chocolate, they also got a huge variation of practical jokes. Hermione remained quiet and inconspicuous in the corner, until she pulled out an enormous, and elaborately decorated card. The twins gaped from across the room. 

"Wow, Hermione, who sent you THAT?" 

She opened it, read the contents, then closed it again, a tightlipped grin on her face. "Nobody," she said quietly. 

This, however, did not distract the twins of terror who started to catcall. They seemed to get tired of it after a few minutes, and turned away quietly. Letting her guard down, Hermione turned to her other valentines. Out of nowhere, Gollum ran up to her, grabbed the card and scampered away again. "Smeagol! Give that back!" 

Fred and George snickered, handed Gollum a pile of chocolates, and looked at the valentine. Before they could read any of it, the card spontaneously combusted and dissolved into ashes on the floor. 

"Hey, what's the deal?" George asked, prodding at the ashes. Hermione walked over, scooped up the ashes and returned to her seat. Then, miraculously, the ashes transformed into a card again.

"For my eyes only I guess," Hermione smirked. 

"At least tell us who sent it," Fred begged. 

"If he wants to tell you, then he can." 

That left the twins plotting in the corner again. 

Legolas opened his 113th card. "There's nothing in here," he commented. It seemed that the valentine must have been rigged up with a sensor or something because a girl _poofed_ into view. 

"Hola!" she grinned, "My name is Lauren!" 

"Uh…hi."

"I got you chocolate," she offered, holding some out for them. "Some of them are from Yasaaf, but he couldn't be here, because he gave me his poofing powers for one day."

"You know Yasaaf?" Legolas asked, accepting the chocolate.

"Yep. He told me that you would help me with my archery." 

"Okay," the elf agreed. 

Galadriel entered the room. "You are all up awfully early. I just thought that I would inform you breakfast has been prepared in the palace. Heart shaped chocolate chip pancakes, and red colored orange juice. Also, there are elf shaped chocolates and conversation hearts." This grabbed the twin's attention, and they jumped up.

"Let's go!" 

Everybody else was finished opening their things anyway, and followed the Elf Queen out of the tree house and towards the palace. Harry was talking to his friends, who were on either side of them, and noticed that they were awkwardly avoiding meeting each other's eyes. He grinned, and although he knew he wasn't much of a singer, he decided to burst into song. _"Love is in the air…"_

"Are you coming?" Sirius asked right before he headed out the door.

"In a minute," Legolas replied, his hands on Lauren's helping her point the arrow towards a conveniently placed apple on a shelf. 

"Right. Have a good time." With a wink, he followed the rest of the group out the door. 

With the elf's expertise, the arrow pierced the apple straight through. "Hey, thanks!" Lauren grinned, then started to dance around in victory. "Mind if I give you a kiss of thanks?" she asked. 

"Sure," Legolas shrugged. 

Lauren's heart started throwing the party of the century. "Great." She leaned forward, and their faces were about three inches apart, when the speared apple dropped right in front of Lauren's face. She jumped back in surprise. 

Announcer #2 glared perilously down at her from the clouds. "DAMN YOU SARUMAN!" Lauren yelled, shaking her fist at the sky. 

Legolas looked uber-confused. "Huh?" 

"I have to go. I'll see you later though. Thanks for the archery lesson!" And with that, Lauren _poofed_ away. Legolas scratched his head and headed up towards the palace. 

"Harry, for the love of all that is holy, stop singing!" Ron yelled. 

__

"Love is a many splendid thing!" he grinned.

"Seriously Harry, you're getting irritating," Hermione told him. 

__

"I want to love you madly…!"

"What can we do to get you to stop?" Ron asked. 

Harry started snickering. He motioned for his red haired friend to lean in, then whispered something in his ear. Ron sighed and pulled out his wand, then pointing it Harry, turned his best friend pink from head to toe.

"Hey, what was that for?" Harry asked indignantly.

Ron laughed, "Happy Valentine's Day, Harry." 

~~~~~~~~~

And there is your newest chapter! Let's hear a hurray! I know there wasn't a match this time, there wasn't supposed to be. For all of you people who are single today, I am too! I think we should throw a party! Woohoo!


	12. Oscar Nominations and Makeup

Disclaimer: I do not own Lord of the Rings, Harry Potter, the Academy, or any of that stuff. But I might one day! (In my dreams, of course)

Rated PG for: British English and unintentionally making Fred's name rhyme with everything. 

AN: I know it's been over a month, but I figured that since I gave you TWO in February, I could stand to be late. Besides, this chapter is a long one. I really have nothing else to say. I would thank more people for reviewing but I am how the French say…a lazy American. Which is actually what everybody else calls me too, because it's the truth. 

Chapter Twelve (Filled with the sounds of bagpipes) 

"BLASPHEMY!" Fred yelled indignantly at _The Daily Prophet_. 

"What is it?" the populace of the room grumbled, having just been woken up from a good night's sleep. 

"Look at these nominations! I mean, what the heck, Peter Jackson wasn't nominated for Best Director? And what's with whole soundtrack issue? The academy obviously just doesn't know what's good and what's not." 

Hermione summoned the paper and looked it over. "Well, while I agree that some movies were grossly over-nominated, I think a decent job was done. Besides, they're not so stupid as to miss good when it slaps them across the face." 

George snorted, "Then would you _please_ explain to me how the Wild Thornberry's Movie actually got nominated for something?" (We're all still trying to figure that one out) 

"I'm not saying they don't make mistakes, but honestly, Chicago got nominated plenty, and that was a good movie, although a bit racy. And The Pianist-"

"Oh big deal," Fred scoffed, "how hard could it be to make a good movie? And to act? It obvious who the bad actors are, but some people act just as well as others."

"You could never act."

George grinned, "Oh yes we could. We are actually quite skilled movie men." 

"I sincerely doubt that," she said skeptically, raising an eyebrow. 

"What do you want to bet on that?" Fred asked. 

"Bet?" 

George quickly caught on, "Yeah, if we make a movie and get nominated for Oscars. How about if we win, you have to show us who gave you that valentine." 

"Then if I win you have to never ask about it again. And furthermore, you will no longer pester me about my love life." 

A staring contest ensued. 

Fred grinned widely, "I say it's a deal!" They were about to shake hands when George interrupted. 

"What exactly are the requirements? Winning? Nomination? And in what categories?" 

Hermione thought for a moment, "Let's say…both of you have to get nominated in either the Best Actor or Best Supporting Actor category. In addition to that, your movie has to at least win one, but not necessarily in one of those categories." 

Both of the twins laughed loudly. "You got it Hermione." Then, still giggling to themselves, they exited the tree house to discuss their upcoming movie. They would have to use a time turner, obviously, because the nominations had already happened, and after that movies had to wait until the next year. 

"Only one problem," Fred said, "who can we get to direct? Not Hermione, obviously, she would go off and sabotage us. Ron would be horrible, blowing up and yelling at everybody. 

"You're right. We need somebody with artistic vision, somebody brilliant and creative, somebody who really likes us." Smiling modestly, they both looked up at the sky. 

"Don't look at us," Announcer #1 said haughtily. 

"You guys are on your own," Announcer #2 added. 

"Though if you really want some help, I suggest somebody you know very well. Like, one of your siblings. Like, your youngest sibling. I guess, that could just be me," Announcer #1 sighed. 

"Who's she talking about?" 

A wadded up piece of paper fell from the sky and landed on Fred's head. "Hey! Ouch!" He rubbed his aching noggin, and picked the piece of paper up. A rock fell out of the middle and scribbled on it was the name _Ginny_. 

"Ah! Our dear little sister! Of course!" With that, the twins ran off, giggling madly once again, successfully frightening every inhabitant of Middle Earth. 

Meanwhile…

"I suspect they'll use a time turner," Hermione sniffed over breakfast. 

"Well, considering that it's impossible to get nominated after the nominations have been posted, that would be a smart thing to do," Ron said through a mouthful of French…excuse me, Freedom toast. 

She glared at her friend and turned to Harry, who was having a conversation with Sirius about something. With a resigned sigh, she turned back to Ron. "Still…"

Ron rolled his eyes, and excused himself to go pile his plate with more food. Hermione looked across the table for a source of conversation and immediately regretted her course of action. Arwen and Aragorn were seated across from her, and doing something that enough to make a girl sick. 

"Honestly, you think they could do vomit inducing things out of the bloody room," Ron muttered, sitting down again. Well, at least they could agree on something. 

All the Hobbits were contenting themselves with eating a lot of food, when Pippin stopped in mid-chew and his jaw dropped, causing a few eggs to drop onto the table. 

"What is it Pip?" Merry asked. 

"Look!" he pointed to the window next to the front door. Large red figures seemed to milling around outside it. Then, the doorbell rang. 

"Smeagol getsss the door, yesss precioussss, good Smeagol doesss as master asks us." Gollum murmured to himself, sticking the bouncy ball (which was back to its proper color) in his mouth and opening the door, despite Frodo's protests that he hadn't asked the creature to do anything. All faces turned to see who could be ringing the doorbell of a tree house so early in the morning. 

Harry gaped at the sight of the Gryffindor Quidditch team on the doorstep. "Hello Harry!" Wood said briskly, entering the room. "All ready for practice?" He was followed in by the rest. 

"Wood…what are you doing here? You don't even go to Hogwarts anymore."

"Ah, that's not important," he shrugged, "I came back to help you out. After all, playing the pros teaches you things. Now, where are Fred and George? We've been looking all over for them."

"They're making a movie," Hermione informed the Quiddtich crazed boy.

"A movie?" Angelina asked incredulously, "They can't even act!" That seemed to settle Hermione's resolve further. If somebody who knew them that well thought they couldn't act, the chances were…they couldn't. 

"They can't be making a movie!" Wood protested, "Practice awaits! They didn't have their priorities straight then, and they don't have them straight now! And why are there so many people in this room!" 

Galadriel stood up from her position at the head of the table. "Go," she instructed, and all the young elf maidens who had been gazing admirably at Oliver, left sullenly. "Please, I invite you to take a seat and have something to eat. You are friends of Harry Potter?" 

"Yeah, I guess so. Who's eaten already?" Nobody raised a hand, so Wood directed them to sit down and get something healthy into their bodies. If Fred and George were making a movie, then practice would be postponed for awhile. 

It just so happened that Wood took a seat in between Arwen and Legolas. "Hello." Arwen stared at him for a moment, giggled, and turned back to Aragorn. Legolas glowered at him. "Er…something the matter?" 

"I'm supposed to be the only young, handsome, pretty boy," he pouted.

The Hobbits started laughing. "You're hardly young!" Pippin exclaimed with a chortle. The elf sent him a glare that could kill a horse, and the Took turned quietly back to his food. 

Oliver looked confused, "I don't understand. Who said anything about good looks?" 

Legolas looked over his shoulder. "Go away!" he snapped irritably, and the elf maidens hung their heads, shuffling away. "You know perfectly well what I mean, pretty boy. Don't give me any of your 'Oh, I'm not THAT good looking' crap! I challenge you to a battle of the sexiest!" he proclaimed. 

__

Match #9: Oliver Wood vs. Legolas Greenleaf

Announcer #1: By request of the other announcer, she's going to give you the breaking news on this one. Never fear, I shall return!

Announcer #2: Hello, and welcome to another challenge of the sexiest! In corner number one, from the wonderful world of Harry Potter, we have Oliver Wood! Young, dashing, and quite athletic, not to mention, he has a Scottish accent! Who could resist?

And in corner number two we have a familiar acquaintance from Middle Earth! Although you've already met this gorgeous elf, allow me to say that dang! Look at that skin! So smooth and wrinkle free! This will be a tough one, folks. Please, do not use archery or Bludgers to hurt your opponent. Let the match BEGIN!

"Another one?" Ron groaned, preparing to break out the earplugs. 

Hermione, however, was grinning from ear to ear. "Well then! What will this one entail?" 

"Uh…" Legolas scrunched up his eyes in thought for a minute, "Well, what do girls find the most sexy?" 

This caused all the girls in the room to start laughing uproariously (especially the ones on the Quidditch team). "There are a lot of things that factor into it," Angelina gasped, wiping tears of mirth of her cheeks. "Do you just want to be sexy? Or sensitive? Or have that bad boy allure? I mean, sheesh, it's kind of hard to categorize." 

"I don't care," Wood stated, "just pick something." 

Not to be outdone, Legolas nodded firmly. 

The girls went into a huddle, with the exception of Arwen and Galadriel, who were both in relationships, thank-you-very-much. Finally they broke apart; all with grins on their faces not dissimilar from the ones that Fred and George often sported. 

"First, we're going to give you makeup, to test your sensitivity," Hermione said, hardly able to keep a straight face, "followed by a modeling show, with clothes that we pick out." 

Legolas, not all that wise in the way of mortal girls from other worlds nodded, satisfied. Oliver, however, groaned and slapped his forehead. Both Ron and Harry shot sympathetic looks his way. 

Between them, the girls managed to get, black eyeliner, blue and purple eye shadow, eyelash curlers, blush, foundation, and bright red lipstick for each of the boys. "You get half an hour," Hermione said, handing a cosmetic bag to each of them. Legolas walked purposefully out of the room, and Oliver started doubtfully at the bag for a minute, before sighing with determination and leaving as well. 

The girls all returned to the table to finish breakfast, which was punctuated with bouts of laughter. That intensified, when the Chasers decided that the Hobbits were just about the most adorable things they had ever laid eyes on. Sirius seemed intent on disregarding the whole situation, and started talking to Galadriel. Aragorn and Arwen continued their barf fest, and Boromir even burst in the room with a few large arrows protruding from his back. 

They had just managed to patch up the last of Boromir's arrow wounds when a timer sitting on the table started to ring. "The thirty minutes are up," Hermione announced. 

"Does that mean I'm going to die again?" Boromir asked fearfully. 

"No. It means that that elf bloke and Wood are going to come back, dressed up like girls," Ron informed him. 

A search party was about to be formed when there was knock on the door, and Legolas entered, looking proud of himself. Everybody in the room noted that he had not even a smudge of makeup on his face. "I was thinking about what do with what you gave me," he said, before anybody could ask him what was going on, "you know, trying to think of something sensitive to do. Then it came to me. It's a little sloppy because I only had half an hour, but I did my best." He turned around and pulled a canvas into the room, displaying to everybody. 

He had painted a sunset using cosmetics. The black has been used to sketch in shadowed mountains, while the lipstick, blush, and foundation has been used to create the sun sinking spectacularly into the mountains, which was finished off with the eye shadow hinting the beginning of twilight. He explained that the eyelash curler had been used to pinch the canvas against the frame. 

The jaws of the four girls from Hogwarts went slack. "It's beautiful," Hermione finally said, "Wow." 

Harry and Ron were staring at the creation in disbelief. "Is painting something like that using makeup worse than wearing it?" Ron asked. 

"I think it is," Harry nodded. 

Legolas propped the "painting" against the wall, "Where's the other one?" 

As if on cue, Wood entered the room. A few looked expectantly for a painting lurking behind him, while the others checked to see if he had actually applied the cosmetics. He hadn't. 

"You didn't actually say that we had to wear the stuff, so I went and sold it to some royalty for a lot of gold, because apparently the people hear don't normally wear this kind of stuff, and then I went and gave all the gold to a charity." 

The girls started melting to the floor, but Legolas scoffed, "How are you going to prove that?" 

A woman ran into the room, looking excited. "I just came to thank again so much for your contribution!" she exclaimed. Then she turned to the others and held up a frame, "He even wrote us a poem," she told them, "You are such a wonderful young man."

Wood shrugged, embarrassed. "It was my pleasure." 

The woman hugged him, then left. All the girls cooed. 

"One's an artist, and the other one is a caregiver, who wins?" That was Ron again, and Harry shook his head. 

"I don't know, but they're making the both of us look bad." 

"What next?" Legolas asked, eager to prove that he truly was sexier than some teenage kid. 

"Oh, the modeling." The girls started laughing all over again, then led the two of them out of the room. Indignant shouts arose from both of them, but finally they stopped, the girls reentered, looking immensely pleased with themselves. 

"Does anybody know how to work Fred and George's DJ stand?" Hermione inquired. 

Merry and Pippin jumped up, and ran over to the thing. "What do you want us to play?" That led to a few minutes of deliberation. They decided on the song that Legolas had originally had to sing for the first sexiest contest. 

"Come on boys!" Angelina called. 

Legolas poked his head in, "I don't understand how this makes either one of us sexy," he said, wrinkling his nose. 

"Just trust us," Angelina grinned. 

"Fine," he stepped in, grimacing. The girls found it to be rather amusing, but the guys grimaced sympathetically along with the elf prince. He was dressed in a maid's outfit, with a tight black shirt and lace, a short black skirt, fishnet stocking, and calf high boots. "I still don't get it."

"You have to model it," Angelina reminded him, which led to embarrassing hip swaying and the like. 

"Girls think THAT is sexy?" Ron asked in disbelief. "I am officially proud to be ugly." 

"It's because it shows skin…I think," Harry closed his eyes, "I'm with you. Ugly is good." 

Legolas swayed out of the room. 

"Your turn, Wood!"

"No!" Came his muffled voice from behind the door, "I refuse!" Some force of nature (read: Legolas's arms) caused him to stumble into the room with a groan. He had been fit into a mutilated tight fitting black turtleneck, which showed off his midriff, and unnaturally short shorts for a guy. Instead of getting the solace of boots, however, he was donned in flip-flops. He quickly flopped down the makeshift runway and practically dove back into the backroom to get into his normal clothes. 

Ron and Harry shot each other looks clearly saying that they would run away or die trying before participating in a sexiest contest. 

Legolas was the first to waltz back into the room, considering he had had longer to change, and he set himself at the breakfast table, finishing his cold bacon. Wood stomped out a few minutes later, and grabbed his broom. 

"Come on team," he snapped, "we're going to practice with or without the twins."

"What about us?" Fred asked, entering the room. 

"Are we that famous already?" George added, following his twin, and holding a newspaper, which he handed to Hermione. 

She read through the front article and her eyebrows shot up. "_Ten_ nominations!? How in the world did you get TEN nominations?" 

Fred shrugged, "The Academy loves the musicals." 

"Now, what about that valentine?"

"Not so fast," she said, shoving the paper back at them, "you haven't won anything yet." 

They both laughed. "We already as good as won," Fred informed her.

"How?"

George sighed, "Didn't you read the article? Everybody is saying that Ginny is the most innovative director they've seen in years. They're saying that if she doesn't win, then the Academy will at least give an honorary Oscar." 

Ron reached for the paper, "Ginny directed your movie? And she was good at it?"

"Don't sound so surprised little brother," Fred whacked him on the back, "She's a genius, our sister." 

"Shut up about it Fred," Ginny ordered, her face bright red. 

George picked her up in a hug, "So modest, our little Ginny." 

Now even the tips of her ears were the color of overripe tomatoes. "Put me down, George." 

"I can't believe you helped them," Hermione groaned. 

Ginny started to smile, "Well, I wanted to know as well. Fred and George aren't the only ones. I figured you probably would have told me if I asked, but it's more fun this way." 

Harry had never known that Ginny was so sneaky. But she was right; everybody seemed keen on figuring out who she had received the valentine from. Although everybody figured they already knew. 

"So," Fred clapped his hands together, "Is it from Ron?" 

"You haven't won anything yet," Hermione insisted. 

George whined, "Com on Hermione! The awards aren't for another week! We'll die if we have to wait that long!"

"Good. Then you can't go about blabbing to people." 

Fred snorted indignantly, "What makes you think we'd tell people?" 

"Besides that fact that we are?" 

"I don't care if you tell the entire world, I don't care if you're six feet under, and I certainly don't care if you win a bloody Oscar or not," Wood growled, "you're going back to Hogwarts, and getting ready for practice." The bloodthirsty look in his eyes stopped the twins from jibing back at him, and Harry stood up to follow the team out. 

Ginny looked over at the table, "Is there any food yet? I haven't eaten in awhile." Galadriel called some elves to set some food out for her. Ron joined his little sister at the table. 

"Hey Gin," he said, "do you find guys painting things with makeup, or wearing fishnet stockings sexy?"

"Not particularly," she replied, "why?" 

"Just wondering." At least the entire world hadn't gone absolutely mad. As proven from the sexiest competition Hermione had gone completely over the edge. He looked over at her playing fetch with Gollum, who skittered wildly after the ball, and ran into the wall in the process. Okay, maybe not as over the edge as that one. While he had gone over long ago and was falling down the abyss, she was merely clinging to the edge. He took some solace in the fact that his sister was still many feet away. 

"Although, I do think that tight black turtlenecks are really sexy."

Maybe not. 

~~~~~~~~~

There you go! Reviews are appreciated, as always! I love you all! 


	13. The Weasel vs the Dragon

Disclaimer: I own absolutely nothing involving either Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings. I do, however, own the song that Fred and George sing, no matter how horrid it is. 

Rated PG for: An almost bad word, and insulting other people's mothers.

AN: SHEESH! There's simply no apology for how long it took me to get this chapter out. There really isn't. So a simple "I'm sorry, here's a chapter" will have to do. Also, I have the next few planned out, so I should have a few more scheduled ones as extra apology. 

Also, I'm sure all of you knew already that there is no way this thing could actually take place following that actual Harry Potter timeline, but I'd just like to say that…I know there is a person alive in this chapter who shouldn't be. I'm still deciding whether or not to actually get rid of them. But while they're here (still refraining from using the name, just in case) let's enjoy. In fact, I hope you all overly enjoy this chapter and accept my most sincere apologies. 

Chapter Thirteen (Also called: The chapter that shouldn't be, because the match doesn't pertain to the title of the story, and adds nothing to the plot, but it was fun to write, so it's here just because)

"Let's have a look at it again." 

"Yes, let's. Hermione, please, show us again." 

"Good idea boys, I'd like to have another look as well."

Fred, George, and Ginny smiled innocently at Hermione, who was trying very hard to concentrate on the book she was reading. "You've seen it a thousand times already, I imagine you have the name memorized by now." She flipped the page. 

"Oh, come on 'Mione!" Fred drew out her dreaded nickname for such a long time that you could have said all of Aragorn's names and still had time for tea. 

Her eyebrows furrowed slightly, but other than that she gave no sign that she was ready to relent to the begging. 

"Ten sickles that Hermione lasts until the end of the book," Harry muttered from across the room. 

"You're on," Ron murmured back.

Ever since Fred and George's movie had won a grand total of five Academy Awards they had delighted in forcing Hermione to show them the valentine whenever they pleased. 

However, to the relief of whoever sent her the valentine (as if you haven't guessed who it is already) the twins decided not to divulge the coveted information. They decided it was more fun to drive Hermione up the wall asking to see it again, then proceed to taunt the entire room with the fact that, "We know something you don't know!" 

At first the taunts had resulted in many groans and pleadings of, "Just tell us already!" After a few weeks though, the teasing seemed to loose some of its pizzazz and nobody particularly cared. 

In fact, at the time the story is right now, the many deaths of Boromir were more invigorating then trying to figure out just who had sent Hermione that valentine. 

"Listen, Hermione, darling, honey, we would love to beg you all day, but we have previous engagements, and our patience is wearing thin," George grinned at her. 

"So if you find that we have coughing fits-"

"Because of our _terrible _allergies-"

"And somebody just happens to find out just who sent you that card-"

"Which you really appreciate more than you pretend to-"

"Then it really won't be our fault-"

"It'll be yours." 

Hermione slowly and deliberately flipped another page and succeeded in ignoring the twin's little spiel. 

Galadriel announced the breakfast was ready, which was enough incentive for Hermione to actually put down her book. However, it wasn't enough to get Fred and George to stop with their constant pestering, a sly comment or two occasionally thrown in by Ginny. 

She was about ready to finish the last of her pancakes when Fred and George burst out into song. (Think: really bad imitation of a country singer) 

"_Hermione got a valentine!_

She thinks that it's really fine!

She always says, but doesn't really think that

The guy who sent it is a great prat. 

Even though all we know he is,

That little-"

"Okay!" Hermione exclaimed, slamming her fork down on the table. "I'll show you the valentine! Just please, stop singing!" 

The twins exchanged high fives, then proceeded to congratulate themselves and their little sister. 

At the other end of the table, Ron, Sirius, and Legolas all gave cries of triumph. Harry, Gandalf, and Gimli all reluctantly gave up the money. 

She returned shortly, toting the behemoth of a card with her. "Come here you three," she sighed, while the trio all got up, laughing amongst themselves. Once they had crowded around her, she opened it up and let them have a good long look at it, before snapping it shut, and walking purposefully out of the room. 

Then, sure enough, "We know something you don't know!" 

Boromir got purposefully to his feet, but almost immediately slumped over onto the table, effectively spearing himself with his butter knife. 

"Will you ever shut up about that?" Harry asked, annoyed at losing the bet. 

"Probably not," Fred and George said at the same time. 

"Why can't you just tell us who it is and torment whoever sent it to her?"

"But then ickle Harry," Fred gasped. 

"You might be the one who gets teased," George added, eyes wide and nodding. 

Harry's face turned red despite himself. "I did not send Hermione that valentine!" he protested. 

Ginny smiled, "Well, they can't very well admit that, now can they? After all, narrowing down suspects would make it easier to deduce who actually did send the valentine and they wouldn't have any ammo." 

"It's not very hard to narrow down the suspects without any clues," Harry said hotly. "I didn't send it, Arwen and Galadriel obviously didn't, Sirius didn't, because that would be disgusting, I'm sure Gollum couldn't make something like that without drooling all over it or biting it to pieces or something, Gandalf obviously didn't send it, Boromir can't stop dying long enough to do anything, Aragorn is already involved in a relationship, neither you, Fred, or George sent it, otherwise you wouldn't derive so much entertainment from it, Gimli, well, he has a crush on Lady Gaddy here, and I'm fairly certain that Pippin can't spell Hermione's name." Harry took a deep breath after his huge run-on sentence. "Therefore we are left to guess either Merry, Sam, Frodo, Legolas, or Ron." 

A smile formed on Hermione's face. "Wow Harry, very good reasoning." 

"I'm not finished yet," Harry replied. "With these five candidates we can reason out-"

"The love life of a Mudblood, how terribly fascinating." 

All of the people from Harry's world immediately tensed and grimaced at that all too familiar drawl. 

Ron's face went bright red and he gripped the glass he was holding so hard that it started to break. "Malfoy," he growled out through clenched teeth. 

"Very good Weasel King," Draco Malfoy drawled (for as it is well known, he does almost nothing else but drawl and smirk, although he occasionally struts).

If at all possible, Ron's face went redder than before. "What exactly, are you, doing, here?" he demanded, his voice oddly strained with huge pauses between words. 

"I know you all miss me terribly, so I decided to come visit. Then tonight we can all join hands and sing praise songs while roasting marshmallows over a fire." He replied sarcastically with something that could almost be referred to as wit. "Or if you prefer, we could just sit in the dark. I wouldn't want your parents to go into debt for a year after buying a marshmallow or two." 

As usual, Draco's comments succeeded in winding Ron up. Harry, however, found that without the usual threats of Crabbe and Goyle sniggering stupidly behind his back, he was much less intimidating. Therefore, his insults could be taken casually, and the second he went too far, Harry could simply punch him in the face and not get sent to the hospital wing himself. 

"You-" Ron started, but Malfoy cut him off. 

"As a school prefect, I'm here to see why you are off of school property on a Saturday morning. I'm also here to take you back to Professor Snape so he can properly dock Gryffindor the few house points they've gained this year and send you, Weasley, back to that shack that you like to call a home." 

The glass in Ron's hand shattered, and he made a move to leap across the table and strangle Draco with every ounce of strength he possessed, but Harry grabbed the back of his robes. 

"Your threats are empty Malfoy," Hermione said calmly, "Professor Dumbledore said we could be here." 

"Ah yes," a pronounced smirk appeared on Malfoy's face, which they had been expecting from the moment he walked into the room. "Well, your Mudblood loving Dumbledore cannot simply bend school rules like that. I'll be sure to tell Professor Snape about this so we can take this case to the Ministry and-"

"What case?" Harry jumped in. "There isn't a case. Dumbledore is the Headmaster, as a prefect – no matter what your swollen head has led you to believe – you don't have the authority to override him." 

Everybody in the room, whether or not they understood what was going on, sent triumphant looks Draco's way. 

"Allowing students to be in harm's way?" he asked, "I think that the Ministry must intervene if the Headmaster is putting his pupils in dangerous situations." 

"Dangerous?" Hermione snapped. "What about this place is dangerous?" 

Looking immensely pleased with himself, Draco pulled out his wand. Ron lunged forward, but Harry promptly pulled back on the fistful of robes he was holding onto, causing Ron's robes to rip terribly. It did pull him back momentarily though, which is what Harry had been aiming for. 

"_Accio!_" Malfoy said clearly. Nothing happened for a second, and then…Gollum came zooming into the room, fighting ferociously against the ropes that were holding him. 

"Let us go, preciousss, let us go!" 

Shocked, Harry let his grip slacken, and Ron, free of restraint, leapt over the table and tackled Malfoy. "You bas-"

"_Ron!_" Hermione gasped. 

"Let go of me, Weasley," Malfoy snarled at him. 

Ron had Malfoy pinned to the ground, a hand on each shoulder, holding him against the floor. "No way. You're not going to get away with this." 

"How cute, let me guess, protecting that girlfriend of yours?" 

Ron's face which had turned red long before, contorted horribly. "Malfoy, I swear, I'm going to-"

"Aww, was it you who sent her that valentine? Is the Weasel King in love with the bushy haired Mudblood?" his voice was mocking and dripping with disdain. "Talk about a match made by Lucifer himself." 

"You call Hermione that, that swear word one more time, and I'll curse your face off, Malfoy." 

"Don't call her what? The M word?" Draco gasped. "You'll curse my face off? Oh no, I'm soooo scared. You couldn't hex to save your life Weasley, why don't you get off of me, and if you're so intent on being threatening let that little Mudblood-"

The look that crossed Ron's face was so terrifying that Malfoy almost forgot to be cool and collected. "YOU'RE DEAD, MALFOY!" 

_Match #10: Ronald Weasley vs. Draco Malfoy_

Announcer #1: Hey folks, and welcome to the match! In corner number one, from Harry Potter's world, we have Harry's best friend! Incredibly tall, red-haired like all Weasley folk, and a master at chess, I give you _Ron Weasley!_

And, in corner number two, also from Harry Potter's…wait. I thought this story was supposed to be Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings. We're not supposed to have fights between people who have fights everyday at Hogwarts! I mean, that makes this chapter pointless, neither side pulls ahead either way, no clever parallels between the stories are made! The only thing that – okay, wait a minute…

All right, um, well, I've just been informed that, well, er, ANYWAY, in corner number two, also from Harry Potter's world we have the young Draco Malfoy! Granted, he may be a jerk and a half, and possibly evil, but all the girls just can't resist this one! (*Hermione and Ginny both wear equal looks of disgust*) Pale, blonde, and giving off that bad boy vibe, the…is he the challenger or champion? Or does it even matter? 

Please, refrain from use of any of the Unforgivables, we don't want any more breakouts from Azkaban. Let the match BEGIN!

"I'm shaking in my little space boots," Draco retorted, feeling much less confident than he looked. 

"When I'm finished with you-" Ron snarled, "-not even your mother will want to look at you." 

"My mother-" Malfoy started indignantly, but this time it was Ron's turn to cut him off. 

"What about your mother? She tried to sell you to gypsies when you were a child but they refused to take you? She went fishing and tried to throw you back? She told you that you were a pompous git and you went to your room and cried?" 

It seemed, that for once in his life, Ron had succeeded in getting Malfoy royally pissed. "What about your mother, Weasel? She had you and immediately lost IQ points?" 

"Well at least my mother wasn't so stupid as to name any of her children 'Draco'." 

A tinge of pink crept into Draco's face. 

"I'll give her this, though, Malfoy, at least she was smart enough to stop after one." 

Malfoy grabbed his wand, but not before Harry yelled, "Expelliarmus!" from across the room. He caught all the wands that flew towards him, then threw Ron's back. Ron caught it, and touched it against Malfoy's forehead, causing him to flinch. 

"What? Does my wand, so filled with the powers of good burn you?" 

Draco didn't say anything. 

"Well?" 

"Actually, Weasley, I'm trying to keep rather still so you don't blast my head off." The normal drawling, mocking tone from his voice was gone. Draco Malfoy was being…honest. 

"Smart move," Ron snapped, though he let the wand off a little. "What have you got to say for yourself?" 

"Please get off of me." The hint of drawl had returned, but immediately dropped, when Ron glared at him. "I'm…dear gods, I'm _sorry_," he spit out, the words obviously causing him a great amount of pain. "I'm sorry for insulting you, and insulting Granger here, and saying untrue things about all of you. I'm sorry for threatening the removal of house points, and your expulsion from the school. And, in the name of Merlin, I'm sorry that I said your parents couldn't afford to buy a few marshmallows." 

Completely satisfied with the apology (after all, it was a real apology coming from MALFOY, what else could you want?) Ron stood up, and being his lovable and generous self, helped Malfoy up. Harry then reluctantly handed him back his wand.

Now, under normal circumstances, they would all shove Malfoy out the door, but, my friends, this story works in mysterious ways, which means that he was allowed to stay, like he would actually WANT to. What can I say, people seem to love the witty sarcasm that he always seems to ooze whenever anybody but JK Rowling writes him. 

Anyway, the little fight ended, and soon so did breakfast, and shortly after, so did Boromir's life (again), and everything returned to normal. 

Hermione picked up her book, but was prevented from reading it, when Harry took a seat beside her. "Well," he said, without preamble, "what about Ron this morning?" 

"I know," she said, "I've never seen him so angry before. It was really scary, honestly, I've never been more frightened before. He just wasn't…he wasn't _Ron_, and you know, he never changes. It was a bit disconcerting. I mean, he's never gotten the better of Malfoy."

Harry shrugged, "I think he was finally fed up of Malfoy insulting you all the time. He may have seemed different, but I think he was still the same. After all, he was just being a loyal friend, wasn't he? And if there's one thing Ron is, it's a friend." 

Hermione smiled. "Yes, I suppose you're right Harry. You've gotten awfully smart lately."

"Yeah well…"

Her smile became more pronounced. "Say, we never got to finish hearing your reasoning behind the valentine I got sent." 

"Ah, well," Harry looked around furtively, then leaned and in a whispered in his ear. 

She was absolutely beaming now. "You know, you're absolutely right Harry. Congratulations." Hermione shot looks at Fred and George across the room. "Just please, don't tell them you know. I don't think anybody else should know quite yet." 

"Sure thing, Hermione. I'll let you get back to reading." Harry stood up, and wandered across the room to where Ron was exasperatedly playing a game of chess with Boromir (he kept slumping over onto the board, causing the pieces to scatter everywhere). 

Feeling quite happy, she opened her book and began to read, uninterrupted. For a few minutes, anyway. 

"Say Hermione…"

"Let's have a look at that valentine again…" 

~~~~~~~~~

Next chapter: Will I ever stop being annoying, and actually come out and say who sent Hermione that valentine? Will any new and really cool people show up so they can fight and create a match? Will Malfoy be witty and sarcastic? 

Find out next chapter when the exciting adventures of Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings continue! ^_^


	14. Filled with SHOCKING Events and ADORABLE...

Disclaimer: If Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings belonged to me, then this idea would have been executed long ago…

Rated PG-13: Dangerous situations, a very naughty word spoken by an angry elf, and the horrible repetition that hardly passes as humor.

AN: I had WAY too much fun writing this chapter. As you can tell by its extreme length and ridiculousness. The rating has been increased because I've finally decided, that, if the story keeps going the way it has been, well, it's won't be appropriate for children. Legolas gets some loving in this chapter, because frankly, up 'til now he hasn't been portrayed in the most positive light, and I just love him.

I'd also like to say that this chapter is dedicated to the two very special people who show up and save the day. Not only are they most wonderful and ADORABLE to boot, but I feel they are under-appreciated. Therefore, I am fighting oppression and creating a chapter based on them. 

Harry Potter vs. Lord of the Rings: Fighting oppression since April, 2002. 

Chapter Fourteen (Techno Dance Remix!) 

"Well, it's done," Hermione announced, stepping inside, wiping her hands on the front of her robes. 

"What's done?" Harry asked from his position on the couch. 

"I burned it," she announced proudly, with a grin. 

"You burned what?" Ron asked, but Fred and George didn't allow a reply.

"Hermione! You burned the valentine? What in the name of Merlin possessed you to do such a thing!" Fred exclaimed, a look of horror crossing his face. 

She looked at the twins smugly. "I was tired of you asking to see it all the time. I have it memorized, so it's no great loss."

George, tragic stricken, collapsed on the floor. "Oh the humanity!" 

Hermione, however, took up the luxury of completely ignoring them. For the past weeks she had been subject to their pleadings of "Show us the valentine again!" "Don't you think everybody else would like to see it?" "Ooh, you're going to make someone's Mum very happy." Now that it was burned, she could go back to her original course of action and ignore them except when they needed scolding.

Ginny, who was deeply involved in a chess game with Legolas, didn't appear too perturbed by the information. After all, it wasn't that hard to remember a name, and the way she figured it Hermione's choices came down to either burning the valentine, or showing it to everybody. Now, even if Fred and George chose to blab, there would be no hard evidence to support them, and as everybody knows, the twins are not exactly the two most trustworthy people on the face of the planet. 

"I just came in to tell everybody that it's a beautiful day outside, one that shouldn't be wasted by sitting around inside a tree house." 

Everybody who hadn't already figured that out the moment they woke up, looked at her skeptically. The Hobbits had gone outside before anyone had woken up, but they were crazy, probably gardening or something. It was also true that Aragorn had left before the sun had risen, but he was a Ranger, and it was a well-known fact that they were all off their rockers. 

"What do you mean by outside?" Legolas asked. Coming from Mirkwood, it could be brighter inside the castle during the day than it was outside. Trees tended to cast long shadows everywhere, which was the kind of outside that he liked. 

"Galadriel showed me a clearing where there aren't any trees, it's very nice." 

Immediately, a thousand excuses were thrown her way. 

"Complexion," Legolas muttered. 

"Ditto," Malfoy agreed.

"Chess," Ginny said. 

"Grief," George gasped dramatically. 

"Anger," Fred added for good measure. 

"Book," Harry defended. 

"Why not?" 

All the occupants who had yet to make an excuse for staying inside, forgot what they were going to say, and slowly but surely, every head turned in one direction. 

Ron stood up and stretched his arms over his head. "Well, it is a nice day, and occasional sun can do good for a body. If you don't believe me, well, take a look at Gollum." 

All gazes transferred to poor Smeagol, was curled up in the corner, happily gnawing on his blue rubber ball, which really didn't resemble a ball anymore. 

"Outside sounds good."

"I could do with a tan."

"Fresh air."

"We could have a picnic!" 

Everybody leapt to their feet and started for the door. Hermione grinned broadly. "Thanks Ron, that was very clever of you." 

Ron shrugged embarrassedly, and grinned slightly. "Ah, well, I just wanted to see if Malfoy would melt the second sunlight touched his skin." 

"I hope he cooks like a lobster," Harry added cheerfully. 

"No, I've made sure to bring along some suntan lotion, I mean, I don't know how strong the sun here is, but I assume that you can still get skin cancer, and getting burned increases the amount of radiation in your body, and it never goes away, and I've never read anything about a spell being able to protect you from the sun…"

Ron and Harry did the ever-popular exchange of looks, rolling of eyes, and feigned interest for a few minutes until she stopped talking.

Upon reaching the clearing that Hermione had mentioned, Fred and George went over to the slightly scorched patch of grass and exchanged heavy sighs. The Hobbits happily greeted them, then went back to doing what Hobbits do best. 

Hermione handed out sunglasses and suntan lotion, and complaints subsided after an entourage of elves showed up with Lady Gaddy, and began setting up tables with food and drink. 

Harry decided to give his book a short rest, and sat chatting with his friends (If you need me to tell you who they are, then I'm afraid there is nothing the doctors can do for you). 

After narrowly winning the chess match against Ginny, Legolas decided to practice his archery a bit. He had always been taught that there was room for improvement, and his thousand plus years of experience had not ensured him that he was a better archer than anybody else in Middle Earth without trying. 

So, he went and fetched his bow, and then offered lessons to anybody who had been wanting to learn, or who just had nothing better to do. Yes, despite the fact that he was rather over-protective of his hair, and he had a status as the sexiest being in Middle Earth, he was still a wonderfully generous and kind soul. 

Everything was going on nicely, and Aragorn was very nice about the stray arrow incident, when something SHOCKING happened.

I say SHOCKING because a strange cut in the air leading to another world and various fights between two different fantasy stories is merely weird and bizarre and shocking. The capital letters indicate severely twisted stuff. 

Legolas was walking up and down the line of his archers-in-training, giving advice, and demonstrating. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a giant, mad, and hairy SPIDER went BARRELING into the clearing, and CHARGED straight at none other than LEGOLAS (insert gasps of horror)! 

Ron promptly fell over in dead faint, having had his fill of spiders second year. Legolas calmly, but quickly, reached for an arrow to fell the beast, but…

THERE WEREN'T ANY. 

Yes, his fabled endless supply of arrows had been drained dry. They had served him well on the quest to destroy the ring, and he had always been able to protect his life against trolls, and orcs and Uruk-Hai, but now…

A giant, mad, and hairy SPIDER was going to kill him. 

No! He couldn't accept that! He was an elf, for Valar's sake! He was supposed to live forever, and besides, with a thousand plus years of survival skills, he was more prepared for SHOCKING situations than a hundred Eagle scouts. 

Now, all this thought process took place in the span of about 1.72 seconds, and Legolas still had a few more before he was in real danger. 

"Get out of here!" he yelled at the shocked young witches and wizards. Then he reached for the elven blades he always carried around. 

THEY WEREN'T THERE. 

After a thousand plus years of anger management, and the calm handling of situations, and keeping a wonderfully clean mouth, Legolas felt he was entitled to a swear word or two. 

"Fuck! Me!" Legolas swore, very loudly, diving for the bow and arrow that the now unconscious Ron had dropped. 

By that time, the spider was too close, and he wouldn't have time to actually fire the arrow, he'd just have to make a stabbing motion at one of it's eyes and go down fighting. Life, he pondered, could really suck sometimes.

Just as the dripping jaws of the mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER lowered to bite his cute little elf body in half, it froze and fell over, causing the earth to shake. It also caused Legolas's leg much pain. You try letting a two-ton spider fall on your leg, and see how you like it. 

"Wha-" he managed to get out, before two people came running up concernedly to him. One he had never seen before, and the other he had. 

"Are you all right?" the one he didn't know asked. "What about Ron?" 

"What…happened?" Legolas asked dazedly, faintly aware the he couldn't really feel his leg anymore. 

FLASHBACK!

"Just how did that thing get here anyway?" Faramir, brother of Boromir, and son of Denethor panted, running as fast as he could after the mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER.

"A very bizarre and twisted series of events," Remus Lupin replied, keeping just a little ahead of Faramir, brother of Boromir, and son of Denethor. "Let's just catch it, shall we?" 

"Agreed," Faramir, brother of – you get the point – gasped. He was used to riding around on horseback, and popping up suddenly with his soldiers dressed like Robin Hood and his Merry Men. He was not used to running after an incredibly fast creature for miles that he had thought only existed in the deep recesses of Mirkwood forest. 

Galadriel's sentries tried to stop them as they dashed into Lothlorien, but they were so SHOCKED at seeing a mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER that they forgot to try and stop that as well.

"You must let us go!" Faramir protested. 

"Under orders of Lady Galadriel, we have to-" 

"Do you really want that thing rampaging about the forest?" Lupin asked. 

"Well, not really, but-"

"You can banish us after we save your lives," Faramir suggested. 

The lead elf sighed. "Very well then, let them go." 

The sentries let go and the two men took off running again, desperate to recover the ground they had lost. 

"There it is!" Faramir yelled, preparing his bow as he ran. Lupin raised his wand, and gripped it a bit more tightly. 

He squinted at the area in front of the spider; those were people! It was charging at somebody…and, Merlin! Was that Harry? 

Faramir screeched to a halt, just long enough to fire a few arrows. Lupin dashed a few more steps, then pointed his wand at the wounded and weakened creature. 

"STUPEFY!" 

The mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER froze and fell over, causing the ground to shake. Faramir and Lupin dashed forward again, to make sure that everybody was all right and that it truly was the downfall of the spider. 

END FLASHBACK!

"It's, it's on my leg," Legolas winced. 

Faramir and Lupin freed the elf's leg, and while Faramir attempted to put it into a sort of brace, Lupin shoved a huge block of chocolate into his hands. "Eat that, you'll feel much better." 

Then, he turned to Ron and prodded him gently. "Ron, wake up."

"Uhh…" Ron opened his eyes groggily, aware of a faint pain in his head. "Lupin? What?"

"Take this," Lupin said, shoving chocolate into his hands. As we all know, chocolate seems to cure illness and injury in the world of Harry Potter, upon learning which we all consequently ran into the barrier at King's Cross, got concussions just like Ron's, went home and ate a lot of chocolate. 

"Are you three okay?" he asked, addressing the shaken Harry, Hermione, and Ginny. 

They all replied with nods, and inched forward, more out of concern for their dazed and confused friend than anything else. Hermione was genuinely worried about Ron's health and didn't question the sudden entrance of Remus Lupin, Faramir, brother of Boromir, and son of Denethor, or the mad, giant, and hairy SPIDER. Ginny was torn between amusement and concern over Ron, as was Harry, but unlike Ginny, Harry was also very curious about the sudden and SHOCKING appearance of the three characters. 

"What happened?" Harry asked Lupin. He figured that he shouldn't be that surprised, after all, just about every other imaginable person from his world had showed up, but he was fairly certain that the werewolf didn't urge a large spider into the kitchens of Hogwarts and through the rip in the air. "You didn't get here through Hogwarts, did you?" 

Lupin shook his head. "No. I was out on business for the Order, in the Forbidden Forest. I'm not sure exactly what happened, but unless I'm living up to Peeves nickname of me (Loony Lupin) I could swear that there appeared to be a sort of rip in the air." 

"You haven't gone mad," Harry assured him. He was more than a little troubled at Lupin's account of things though. Whoever had sliced open the Hogwarts kitchen had done the same thing in the Forbidden Forest? Were there entrances anywhere else? What if Voldemort found his way in? "Maybe we should go find Galadriel so she can sort things out." 

"Is she the one who runs this place?" Lupin asked, turning and helping to support Legolas on his left side, while Faramir took the right.

Ron finally managed to sit up with some assistance, and paled when he caught sight of the spider. He tried to get up so he could get away, but his head injury wouldn't allow it. So, Ginny and Hermione, being the wonderfully kind souls they are, helped Ron to his feet. 

Considering the fact that he wasn't supporting anybody, Harry took it upon himself to lead the way. He pointed ahead over dramatically, "Seventy paces!" he exclaimed, reveling in his newfound personality. 

They made quite a scene, Harry imagined, entering the clearing. Before any of the startled faces could ask what had happened and cause the chapter to turn redundant, Harry pointed behind them. "There's a stunned spider just over there. I would suggest going to restrain it." 

Gaddy gave the orders, and a dozen odd elves ran off to take care of the situation. "Faramir, son of the Steward of Gondor, in your heart lies true loyalty, you are most welcome here." He smiled slightly, causing every girl in a five-mile radius to coo. She turned to Lupin. "Remus Lupin, the kind hearted werewolf, you have the makings of great compassion and wisdom, you are also most welcome." He also grinned a bit, and his cheeks turned pink. This caused every girl in a five-mile radius to sigh dreamily and grin daftly themselves. "Legolas Greenleaf, prince of the woodland realm-"

"Lady Galadriel, please, don't stand on ceremony and just fix the blasted thing, would you?" he grumbled as politely as pain and irritation would allow.

She smiled. "Of course." Lupin and Faramir gently lowered him onto a mat thing. 

At that moment, Sirius Black strolled into the clearing, whistling cheerfully to himself. While Hermione had been trying to rally everyone to take a venture outside he had been in the shower, which also explained the sudden appearance of a crowd of giggling elf maidens, and the horrible and complete lack of his appearance earlier in the chapter. His vision was impaired, however, by the towel he was using to, well, duh, dry his hair.

"Having a picnic?" he asked, his voice ever so slightly muffled. 

A few of the maidens started to giggle. 

"Chasing after mad and hairy spiders," Lupin said.

Simultaneously every elf maiden that had been gazing adoringly at Sirius, tore their eyes away and looked over at Lupin who was grinning, and Faramir, who was helping Galadriel restore Legolas's injured limb. This resulted in a massive increase of giggling and cooing and swooning. 

Recognizing the voice, Sirius tore the towel of his head, and brushed his still damp hair away from his face. "Moony!?" 

Lupin bowed.

Sirius spluttered something that didn't even remotely resemble English, and before anybody knew exactly what to think, he bolted forward and enveloped Lupin in a giant hug. "Moony! How did you get here? And what do you mean chasing after spiders? Did I miss something?" 

None of the elf maidens failed to notice that he had yet to release his grip on his friend and began to wonder if they should start getting insanely jealous. 

Faramir couldn't help but smile at Sirius's enthusiasm. It seemed that the two were as close as brothers, which reminded him, of course, of his own deceased brother. That caused prickling tears to build up behind his eyes (aww!) and he blinked a few times. Best to stop thinking about Boromir. Big strong warriors who were seeking their father's acceptance did not cry. 

"Holy Valar…Faramir?"

Said Faramir looked up from the (rather disgusting) healing that was going on, and his jaw dropped. "Boromir…you're, you're alive?"

His older brother grinned at him. "Alive and in perfect health!" 

Aragorn agreed with a laugh and slapped said Boromir on the back, which caused him to topple forward and groan. The future king of Gondor helped him back to his feet.

"Well, alive, and in…something." 

Faramir disregarded his previous notions about crying and started sobbing (don't you just a love a man who's not afraid to show his feelings?). The two brothers shared a wonderful reunion type brotherly hug that involved sniffling and laughing and such. 

"They told me you were dead!"

Boromir shrugged, "I guess I'm just a bit tougher than anybody realized."

Behind his back Aragorn was miming "chronic dying problem". 

By this point in time the afternoon was halfway through, Legolas was healed enough to hobble around a bit, Ron took a few Tylenol, friends had been reunited, and so had brothers. All the togetherness got to Fred and George, who cheerfully suggested a campfire, to which everybody readily agreed. Malfoy was even generous enough to pay for the marshmallows, and started bleeding when he bit his tongue so as not to poke fun at the Weasley's financial situation again. 

As for the mad, hairy, and giant SPIDER…it was caught and tied up securely in a pen. The elves decided that until they were sure there were others of its kind, and it truly was a dangerous and murderous arachnid, they could not kill it. It's not very logical, but it contributes to the plot later. 

All the elf maidens became more and more sulky as the day wore on. Their previous object of affection (one Sirius Black) seemed much more interested in talking to Lupin, who had the potential to be a very prominent object of affection. Faramir was too delighted in learning that is older brother was alive to pay them any mind, and when they finally decided to go back to Legolas, he snapped at them in very nasty elvish. 

Fred and George returned with bags of marshmallows and graham crackers for S'more making. Lupin had enough chocolate to feed the whole of Middle Earth for a year, so they didn't worry about that. The sun sank spectacularly into the horizon, and Gollum finally crept from the confines of the tree house, carrying a misshapen hunk of blue rubber that was covered in teeth marks. 

The fire had gotten going when Lupin suddenly froze. "Does Middle Earth follow the same lunar patterns as our world?" he asked. 

"Who cares?" Sirius responded, grabbing a few marshmallows. 

"If it does, then that means…" the sun finally disappeared, "…full moon."

This caused most everybody to jump out of their skin, and check the sky for a sign of the moon. It was barely visible, but already they could tell what it was. 

"Stun me!" Lupin exclaimed suddenly.

"What?"

"Stun me!"

"No way, we can just-"

"No risks this way. Stun. Me." 

More protests arose, but abruptly stopped, when Lupin clenched at his robes and turned rigid. He was beginning to transform. 

"What's going on?" Faramir asked in horror. 

"He's a werewolf," Hermione tried to explain. "At the full moon, he turns from a man into a wolf, and doesn't transform back until the sun rises. If he bites anybody else, then, then they'll turn into a werewolf as well."

Lupin was sprouting fur and claws to support this explanation. 

"They're very dangerous," Hermione started to talk in super speed, "when somebody turns into a werewolf they forget themselves, they turn horribly violent, they want to hurt people. You can stop them, but, oh, I don't think we have the right sort of things here."

"Well then what do we do?" All the Hobbits looked positively terrified. 

"I'll turn into Padfoot and get him away from here," Sirius suggested. 

"Will that work?" 

"It's the best chance we have, isn't it?"

"I'll go too," Faramir said.

"WHAT!?" Sixteen voices echoed in disbelief. 

"If he wants to attack people in wolf form, then I'd make a tempting target. I'll make sure he doesn't harm anybody." 

They all looked at him like he was out of his bloody mind…which he was. 

"Your funeral," Sirius snapped, and quickly turned into Padfoot, as Lupin went into the final stages of the transformation. 

Ron, Harry, and Hermione had seen Lupin transform into a werewolf once before in their third year, but not up quite so close and in very poor light. A snarling, overlarge wolf, eyes gleaming in the firelight, was enough to scare the wits out of anybody, whether they had seen one before or not. 

Sirius as Padfoot, charged into Lupin, trying to lure him away from the campfire, but the werewolf wasn't taking the bait. This supported Faramir's previous theory, and the younger son of the steward of Gondor took off running in the opposite direction. 

The wolf's eyes focused on the running figure, and a second later he was bounding after Faramir, howling wildly. I will also needlessly mention that while leaping after Faramir, Lupin knocked into Boromir, who promptly fell over and started dying. 

The minute he disappeared a collective sigh of relief was heard from those surrounding the fire. 

"Stupid werewolf," Fred muttered, "burned my marshmallow."

Meanwhile, back at Faramir…

Faramir ran for all he was worth, hoping against hope that werewolves were not quite as fast as mad, giant, and hairy SPIDERS. He then reminded himself, that he wasn't that fast either, so it wouldn't do him much good. 

A snarl reached his ears and a second later, the huge silhouette of a wolf jumped straight at him. 

Faramir did the only thing he could think of. He pulled out his sword. There was no way he was letting this overgrown dog take a chunk out of him. He was nearly ROYALTY.

__

Match #11: Remus Lupin vs. Faramir, brother of Boromir…

Announcer #1: Hey all! I know that I announced the last match, but I just love these two too much to sit out.

Announcer #2: And being the generous person I am, I agreed to share announcing duties.

Announcer #1: In this battle of the sweet, smart, cute, and absolutely ADORABLE we have Remus Lupin from Harry Potter's world in corner number one! He's a werewolf with a heart of gold, and is always on the lookout to help those in need. He also has a supply of chocolate on him at all times, which would make him worthy even if he were the slimy Draco Malfoy! 

Announcer #2: And in corner number two we have Faramir from Middle Earth! Often overshadowed by his older brother (it's okay Boromir, we know you don't mean to) this compassionate guy is willing to put his life on the line for people he hardly even knows! Impervious to the ring's seducing power, he also trusted two little Hobbits he'd never met before. You also have to admit, he's a romantic.

Announcer #1: What an 'aww'some match!

Announcer #2: No turning girls into piles of goo by smiling shyly! Let the match, BEGIN!

"Come and get me you runty Warg!" he yelled. 

Lupin, quite out of his mind, obliged and leapt straight at Faramir, who blocked himself with his blade, cutting the wolf's shoulder in the process. He was rewarded with a small yelp of pain, which turned in a blood curdling run-away-and-hug-your-mommy's-skirts growl. 

"Eep," Faramir said. 

Just as he thought he was done for Padfoot leaped in, and knocked Lupin slightly off balance. Those few seconds were long enough for Faramir to regain his strength, and tighten his grip on his sword. After a few snaps at the black dog, the werewolf turned once again to Faramir who was trying valiantly to be brave. 

Their gazes locked and they started to circle around. Lupin charged, and once again Faramir was forced to defend himself with a few slashes of the sword. He had had hopes that if he injured it then maybe it would skulk away. However, it seemed that the more injuries the wolf sustained, the angrier it became. 

He wondered how much longer it was until the sun rose. 

Meanwhile, back at the campfire…

"Hello all!" Eowyn greeted everybody brightly. She didn't recognize a fair number of them, but that was to be expected. After all, travelers from around the world visited Lothlorien. 

Her response was many tight and pale faces that seemed to be terror-stricken. Surely she didn't look THAT hideous. She hadn't bathed for a few days, but really, it was nothing to get all bent up about. 

"Arwen invited me, and I just thought…"

"Eowyn!" There was Arwen, who rushed forward and gave her a hug. "Welcome to Lothlorien!"

"What's the matter with them?" she asked. 

"There's a werewolf on the loose," a bespectacled boy with black hair informed her. 

"What's a werewolf?"

A girl with bushy brown hair spoke up and explained it to her. 

"They, they attack people?" A nod. "Well, then why isn't it here?"

"Somebody offered to be used as bait," a red haired boy informed her. 

Well, that wasn't very smart, was it? Why anybody would want to take on a snarling, vicious wolf was beyond her. "Who in Middle Earth would do such a thing?"

The boy with black hair was ready to respond when Arwen spoke loudly and quickly. "It's being taken care of. Now, why don't you go off to the tree house there and get freshened up, then join us." 

"Thank you, I'll do that." She started off in the direction that Arwen and pointed. She had nearly reached it when a figure came running in her direction, making odd gasping noises. "Hello?" Was this maybe the person fending off the werewolf? 

The figure halted, dropped their sword, and stared at her. The moonlight was enough to show his face. 

"Eowyn?"

"Faramir?"

They stared at each other in silence for a moment, then Faramir shot a panicked look over his shoulder and turned back to her. "Listen, Eowyn, you have to get out of here, you can't stay, there's a giant werewolf headed this way and-"

"You're the one who agreed to fight the werewolf!? What were you thinking!? Faramir, I demand an explanation right this second, why would you agree to do something so incredibly STUPID!?" 

"I can explain everything," he panted. "Just not right now, you have to get out of here."

"Not until you tell me why you chose to do something so foolhardy."

Their staring contest was broken off by a long howl. Eowyn could faintly make out the large shadow of a wolf running in their direction.

Faramir turned to snatch up his sword, but the wolf was too fast and leapt straight at Eowyn's throat. He forgot the sword and launched into full out "protect the woman I love" mode, by barreling into the side of the creature, and grabbing it's muzzle so that it couldn't bite. 

The wolf struggled and batted him in the face with a paw, which caused Faramir to let go. It turned its attention to Eowyn again, who had picked up Faramir's sword during his struggle, and was pointing it threateningly at Lupin. 

"I don't want to hurt you. Just go away."

The seemed the opposite of its intentions, and it started to pad forward slowly. "Eowyn! Throw me the sword!" Faramir called out in desperation.

Now, we all know that Eowyn is very capable of defending herself, as does Faramir, but when men see the woman they love in a dangerous situation the only thing they can think is "I've got to do something!" Which was the exact thing was that was running through Faramir's mind.

_I've got to do something!_ He reached for the dagger tied to his leg, and jumped at the wolf, lodging the blade into its shoulder. 

It whimpered, and futilely tried to reach the knife with its teeth. When that didn't succeed, it let out a long, low, and very scary growl, then turned and slunk away into the shadows. 

Sweating like mad and bleeding profusely from the wound in his cheek, Faramir beamed at Eowyn. He had succeeded in keeping her out of harm's way! 

Instead of the expected, "Oh Faramir, I love you, thank you so much!" He was treated with a cold glare. "Was that necessary?" she asked.

WAS THAT NECESSARY!

Was she mad? "It was about to get you, I had to do something!" She didn't look convinced. "Besides, that monster must have bruised a few ribs, and it wasn't exactly being courteous when it batted me across the face." 

"Like that poor man could help it!" She stared off into the distance he had gone. "You had better apologize to him tomorrow."

At this point, Faramir knew what the appropriate answer was. "Yes dear."

"Now, come inside with me and get you cleaned up, oh he really did get your face very badly, didn't he? Your ribs are bruised? Maybe Aragorn would know how to help with that…"

Meanwhile, back at the campfire…

Sirius, as Sirius, limped back into the glowing light of the campfire, and collapsed on a log chair. "I would suggest putting up barriers or something until the sun comes up," he told Galadriel. 

"All my people sleep high up in the trees, and the sentries remain there until a threat appears. I have already ordered them not to fire at any wolves."

Sirius shot her a look of thanks, then turned to Harry. "Your marshmallow's on fire."

The next morning…

"Who wants to have breakfast as a picnic outside?" Hermione asked brightly.

"ME!" Nearly everyone yelled in response, and stampeded outside. Malfoy lingered at the doorway long enough to don a pair of sunglasses and slather on an entire bottle of suntan lotion. Thanks to his precautions the day before his pale and flawless skin (well according to him) had remained intact and unharmed. The only problem was, the suntan lotion was running out a bit quickly. Well, he could always afford more, after all, he was a Malfoy. Laughing to himself at this thought, he rubbed the rest of the lotion in and headed outside. 

Lupin was waiting in the clearing, wearing very shabby garments, and eating a large bar of chocolate. He apologized most profusely to everyone.

"I believe this is yours," he said, handing Faramir his dagger. "I'm really sorry about what happened last night. I didn't manage to bite you, did I?"

Faramir shook his head. "No, just a good whack across the face. No lasting damage for you either?"

Lupin smiled, "No. I would deserve it anyway for being so careless."

Eowyn, upon seeing what a wonderfully kind person Lupin was when the full moon wasn't out, immediately started to scold Faramir into submission again. She then went into "Molly Weasley" mode and began to fret over Lupin, until Sirius stepped in and told her that Lupin was over the age of five and could take care of himself quite well.

Breakfast had already been laid out by the many helpers of Galadriel and she bade them to sit down. "Three of you are missing." She said, motioning to the empty chairs.

"That would be Harry-"

"Hermione-"

"And our knucklehead brother."

"Don't bother waiting, they can eat later."

Galadriel was still concerned, until Fred and George assured her that Hermione was simply having a hard time of convincing her two best friends to join the table, and that they wouldn't be much longer, because Hermione was very good at convincing. 

She was good at convincing, but she certainly didn't feel like it. "Harry, Ron, get up! We're all having breakfast!" She moved from her spot next to the door and walked over to the two couches that her friends were sleeping on. Harry was buried beneath his blanket all except for a tuft of black hair. Ron had his head firmly under his pillow. 

"We don't want to," Harry mumbled underneath his blanket.

"Leave us 'lone," Ron added. 

"No! Give me a good excuse!" she demanded, hands on her hips. 

Ron removed the pillow from over his face. "The chocolate last night didn't quite fix me up, and after sleeping and being woken by a stampede I feel like my head'll split in two any moment. I just need a bit more rest."

He expected Hermione to scoff at him for being a big baby, but he didn't really care. His head DID hurt, and he DIDN'T want to get up, and a bit of sleep WOULD do him some good. 

She believed him, surprisingly enough, and sat down at the side of the couch. "Oh Ron, is it just your head? Are you sure you aren't coming down with something?" She reached out and pressed her hand against his forehead. "I'll go to breakfast and bring you back some ice and some more chocolate, all right?"

Under normal circumstances Ron would have turned bright red if Hermione had fussed over him. He felt a little too horrible to blush though, and nodded pitifully. "Thanks 'Mione."

Hermione gave him a peck on the cheek before turning viciously to Harry. "What about you, Harry James Potter? What's your excuse?"

"It hurts to talk," Harry moaned from underneath his blanket.

"That's not an excuse Harry. What do you mean it hurts to talk? What happened to you?"

A very red arm was produced from underneath the blanket. Hermione reached out, but Harry pulled it back under quickly. Annoyed, Hermione snatched the blanket off of him and produced Harry, bright red from head to toe. 

Harry groaned. "I cooked like a lobster."

Ron laughed. 

"It's not funny."

"Yes it is."

"Prat."

"Lobster boy."

"Wimpy fainting when you see spiders boy."

"Boys!" Hermione snapped. She gave Harry back his blanket and suppressed a giggle. "I'll get you some aloe vera, all right?"

"All right."

"And a great big pot," she added. "Filled with water and a pat of butter…" she trailed off as she walked out the door.

Harry gaped at the empty doorway in indignation. He turned to Ron. "She-!" He thought better of protesting when he saw that Ron was laughing so hard he was crying. Instead, the Boy Who Lived and Got Sunburn grabbed his blanket and promptly disappeared underneath it again. 

Who needed Voldemort, he thought with a scowl, when you had friends like them. 

~~~~~~~~~

When I first wrote this chapter I thought to myself, "Wouldn't it be hilarious to have this huge coming out scene with Sirius and Lupin where many people pass out from blood loss (mostly the elf maidens)?" Then I thought, "But some people find slash to be a disgusting and terrifying issue, and they might not find it quite as hilarious." Then it came to me! "It would be hysterical to make horrible comments and actions that straddle the line between platonic love and romantic love until the truth is revealed in the last chapter (if at all)!" So all you people who hate slash: It's not there! And to all you people who love it: Well, of COURSE there's something there!

And remember! Faramir and Lupin need to know how much they're loved! Fight oppression and review!


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